Male and Female Sex Myths
By: Dr. John D. Moore
Sex myths are common in our society, particularly when it comes to gender. Let’s face it – our culture has done a pretty good job of cementing various narratives into our collective psyche about what it means to be a man or a woman. Never mind that a lot of it is based on stereotypes, replete with mental imagery that has been reinforced through movies, television and some clever marketing folks on Madison Avenue.
Many of these sex myths have been around for decades while others seem to have cropped up in just the past few years. Given how frequently the topic of sex and intimacy comes up among our clients here at Couples Counseling Center in Chicago, we thought it might be a good idea to shine a light on these myths and expose them for what they truly are – nonsense.
Sex Myths Damage Relationships
Before we go into our top 10 list of sex myths, it is important to understand why buying into some of these misnomers can wreak havoc upon your relationship or marriage. To be blunt, when you subscribe to an gender based sex myth, you create a set of false expectations. Gender based expectations are almost always wrong and have the tendency to bleed into a number of different relational areas, including preconceived notions about marriage.
What we try to do with clients who come to see us about problems in the bedroom is to assess what is going on that may be prohibiting two people from enjoying one another in the way that couples do behind closed doors.
More often than not, we have discovered through the process of talk-therapy that one or both parties in the relationship usually subscribes to some type of sex myth. How they came to believe some of these whoppers are multi-factorial in nature. Major influencers include societal messages, the media and family constructs. And it is important to state here that when dealing with a same sex relationship (i.e. gay, lesbian) the problems can become compounded.
Sex Myths and Marriage
What is particularly troubling are the numbers of people we see who avoid talking about sex myths being getting married. There are a variety of reasons why these kinds of topics are not discussed, ranging from long standing social taboos to fears of scaring a mate off.
The problem of course is that when you have a “Houston, we have a problem…” moment in the bedroom, it’s a little late for meaningful dialogue. It is for this reason we try to explore sex myths as part of our counseling before marriage process. Makes sense, huh?
Sex Myths Exposed
Now that you have some of the background information about why sex myths can do a number on your relationship/marriage, it’s time to review our top 10 list of misnomers. Some of the myths listed here will strike you as common sense while others may cause a moment of reflection. Read them all in order to absorb their deeper meaning. We have broken these myths down by male and female to make identification of these stereotypes easier.
Are you ready? Let’s jump right in!
Male Sex Myths
1) The man must take charge
Yep – this one is nonsense. Men who subscribe to this line of thinking often do not let the women guide them, thereby cutting off the ability to experience mutual satisfaction.
This attitude, which some have described as a form of male narcissism, can lead to a dynamic where the guy experiences all of the pleasure while the woman feels left out in the cold. That’s no fun, is it?
2) Men always want sex
This ridiculous myth pressures guys into trying to have sex in relationships or situations where they simply are not “feeling it” at that moment in time. The end result can cause frustration and resentment, not to mention an unpleasant sexual experience.
Over the course of time, this can lead to a real fear of intimacy (see our post on intimacy fears).
3) All physical contact must lead to sex
This is simply a big fat lie but is surprisingly believed by many. Guys who believe in this myth prevent themselves from enjoying other forms of intimacy, such as kissing, cuddling, spooning and caressing.
In truth, these activities are important to general relational maintenance and strengthening the natural bonds of love.
4) “Good sex” always leads to orgasm
Acceptance of this particular myth shoots a bullet through the heart of playful, spontaneous intimacy and eliminates the pleasure of talking, resting and general body contact.
Let’s face it, if you feel pressured to produce an “end product” (read between the lines) you are most likely going to be focusing on the genitals – yours or hers. This leads to a robotic experience and throws cold water on the entire process. Sound familiar?
5) Sex should always be spontaneous
The harm that comes in believing this myth is that it prevents couples from teaching each other about what they want in the bedroom. Let’s be real – in a world where both people in the relationship are often working – plus dealing with child rearing responsibilities and living otherwise high stress lives, it is not always possible to “do it” in the moment.
Sometimes, you need to plan certain blocks of time for intimacy, preferably when the both of you are relaxed and not exhausted. That old saying that relationships take work is really kind of true!
Female Sex Myths
1) All women can have multiple orgasms
Out of all of the sex-based myths, this one ranks pretty high. Research indicates that only about 20% of women are multiply orgasmic. The truth is there is no relationship between sexual satisfaction and the number of climaxes a woman may experience each time she is intimate with her mate.
The problem in subscribing to this myth is that you could be setting yourself up for false expectations about the need to achieve multiple orgasms in the first place. And on this point – it is important to state that achieving climax isn’t a requirement for intimacy (this applies to both genders).
2) Sex is only for women under 25
Most women reach their peak of sexual responsiveness at some point during their mid-30’s. The research suggests that after this point in life, there is no real decline in responsiveness thereafter.
If you believe in this myth however, you discount the importance of intimate closeness for other years throughout the lifespan. Here is the deal – women in their 40’s, 50’s, 60’s and older do have sex and believe it or not – frequently.
3) Pregnancy reduces responsiveness
This myth is just a bunch of non-sense – pure and simple. While it is true many women experience discomfort dung the last months of pregnancy and often right after delivery, it doesn’t mean women can’t or don’t want to “get busy” while pregnant.
In fact, the increased blood supply to the pelvic region can actually increase sexual responsiveness. If you believe in this myth, however, you are potentially cutting yourself off from some of the most intimate and meaningful sexual experience of your lifetime.
4) Women can always be turned on by their partner
Um – no – this one is full of bull-crap. The truth is that fatigue, worry, anger, feelings of sadness and a myriad of other emotions can suppress the desire to be intimate – even in the most responsive of women.
Sadly, who believe in this myth damage their relationships by trying to force something into happening that’s not realistic. This might seem like common sense but it’s being mentioned here because it comes up a lot in sex based couples therapy sessions.
5) “Nice women” aren’t aroused by erotica
This myth is based in puritan gender constructs and is frankly a throwback to the Jurassic period. Research has demonstrated time and again that women are just as turned on by various forms of erotica just like men. If you believe in this myth however, you create a recipe for boredom in the bedroom. This means you are placing barriers around things like visual props (i.e. video), costumes, magazines and role play.
They say variety is the spice of life. Erotica helps add some of the “flavoring” to the dynamic. You have to kind of chuckle at this one because there isn’t a man or woman who hasn’t had some type of sexual fantasy – yet many people (including many women) subscribe to this ridiculous and damaging myth.
Final Thoughts
Myths about sex and gender are commonplace in our society. Many have been passed on to us by powerful family constructs, social messaging and folks who are interested in selling various products.
As a relationship counselor, I can tell you that it can take a long time to deprogram some of these beliefs during therapy sessions. The truth is – many of these are deeply engrained in the psyche.
Because all of us are products of our environment, it is important to develop a sense of self-awareness around sex myths and assess how these beliefs negatively impact our relationships. In my experience, even some of the most forward-thinking people fall victim to gender based sex stereotypes, including folks who identify as “Gen Xers” and “Millennials”.
One of the resources I like to recommend to clients who struggle with gender based sex myths is the book, Don’t Put That in There: And 69 Other Sex Myths Debunked by Carroll and Vreeman.
What I like about this read is how the author’s take a no non-sense approach to the topic of myths and gender and move about the business of quickly dispelling them. It’s a must read for anyone interested in challenging their own thoughts about sexuality. Plus some of what’s inside is just kind of funny!
I’m including a poll below just for giggles. While not scientific in nature, the results may offer insight into what others believe about the myths discussed here. Your vote is anonymous so don’t worry about your identity being revealed. Come back periodically to see how your choice stacks up against other website visitors.
Despite the byline, this article was clearly written by a woman.
Um – actually it wasn’t.