Toxic Relationship Signs
By: Couples Counseling Staff
We hear the term toxic relationship in our society but what does that phrase really mean? The truth is, toxic relationships come in many forms and can be applied to friends, family members and lovers. For the purpose of simplicity, we’d like to isolate the phrase “toxic relationship” and laser in on it through the lens of romantic love.
Here at Couples Counseling Center, we surveyed our staff of relationship experts to come up with a 10 points list of toxic relationship characteristics. It took us awhile to agree on the language but ultimately, we settled on the list that follows.
Let’s jump right in!
Toxic Relationship: Definition
In romantic relationships, a toxic relationship can be defined as an extremely unhealthy bond between two people whereby one or both individuals deplete one another’s self-esteem, self-concept and general happiness.
Toxic Relationship Signs
Now that you have read our not so clinical but practical definition of a toxic relationship, let’s move on to the 10 major signs that you may be involved with someone who is seriously unhealthy for you.
Bear in mind that it is important to look at all of these characteristics in their totality and assess your relational history before jumping to conclusions.
FYI: We are using “him” in this post for the sake of simplicity. It’s important to note, however, that toxic relationships are not gender dependent and occur in both heterosexual and homosexual relationships.
Are you ready? Let’s jump right in!
1. You validate your self-esteem through him
If your happiness rises and falls because of your connection to him, you are setting yourself up for a major emotional fall. This particular sign is also referred to as codependency and you should learn all you can about it.
2. He makes you feel bad about yourself
Does your man regularly call you names and engage in other insulting behavior, such as making fun of your weight or appearance? When you call him out on it, does he say things like “You are being too sensitive?” Guess what – you’re not. If he makes you feel like crap on more days than not, consider this a toxic relationship warning sign.
3. He makes you feel rejected
Are you in a situation where your man engages in avoidant behaviors, almost like he doesn’t want to be around you? Is there an on again – off again pattern at play? Does he regularly push away your sexual advances? When you talk about it with him, does he tell you that you’re just being “needy”? This point too should be considered a major warning sign if you’re saying yes.
4. Does he have commitment issues?
Have you found that your man struggles with using the language of commitment? Does it seem like he avoids referring to you as his girlfriend when in the presence of others – even though the two of you have been together for more than just a few months? Commitment issues, also referred to as commitment phobia, are serious signs that the relationship is toxic.
5. He gives you the silent treatment
Is it difficult for your man to talk about his feelings? When you get into a dispute with him, does he seem to emotionally shut down? Are you sometimes punished for something you have said in the form of the silent treatment? If you can relate, alarm bells should be going off big time that you’re in a super toxic relationship.
6. You’re parenting him
When you put your head on the pillow at night, do you sometimes wonder if you are your man’s girlfriend or mother? Do you engage in over the top caretaking activities – meaning you are doing things for him that he is perfectly capable of doing himself? Count this one in the toxic column if you said yes.
7. He minimizes his flirtatious behaviors
When you are out in public with him, does he flirt with other women? Does it happen a lot? When you make mention of what he is doing, does he minimize your concerns and tell you that you are being “clingy”? Do you suspect he’s having an affair? If this is happening with you – you need to know what he is doing isn’t right. It’s also a sign of a man who disrespects you big time.
8. You’re friends are disappearing
Since you have been in the relationship with him, have you noticed your circle of friends has shrunk? Does it seem like people who were once close to you are no longer around? Have you abandoned these once meaningful relationships in favor of him? Toxic relationships often have this characteristic so reflect upon this point with care.
9. You avoid talking about him with others
Do family, friends and coworkers know you are in a bad relationship? As a result, have you simply stopped talking about him because you are afraid of how others might react? Are you embarrassed to still be with him because you can’t seem to break away? Not only is this a sign of a toxic relationship, it’s also a characteristic of people who are addicted to relationships.
10. You live in a state of constant anxiety
Does it feel like you regularly have to walk on eggshells because you fear upsetting him? Do you cloak your true personality and feelings because it might bother him? On more days than not, do you feel like you are in a place of suspended anxiety? If you are saying yes – it’s a major sign you’re involved in a toxic, soul sucking relationship that is empowered by his fear of intimacy.
Final Thoughts
One of the worst things about being in a toxic relationship with a man is that typically, he’s never able to give you what you need because he’s emotionally unavailable (see post on emotionally unavailable guys).
One of the best ways to better understand the dynamics of your relationship is to consider some one on one counseling. A trained couples/relationship therapist can help you to identify unhealthy patterns and work with you to move about the business of creating positive change.
Inside, you will find page after page of useful insight about how you found yourself involved in a toxic relationship and what you can do to get out of it. The book is a great resource for anyone who is trying to break the cycle of pain.
We hope you found this post useful. If you found the material on toxic relationships useful, please share with others. Don’t forget to download a free copy of our relationship report card for free. It’s a great tool for assessing the health of your love life.
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