Stress of Parenthood Tips
By: Costa Provis
Take a moment to think about your children. Picture their round little faces. Each child is their own unique little bundle of joy; a miracle and constant source of wonder and delight. But what about when your beautiful child becomes a crying, fussing, tantrum-throwing, button-pushing little monster capable of driving you to the brink of a meltdown.
They can be precious and annoying; loving and yet quite smelly really. For all the joy and fulfillment there are so many responsibilities and demands… and frustrations. So what’s the secret to being a good parent? Or, ‘how does anyone survive parenthood’ might be a better question? I believe it’s learning how to handle the frustrations and difficulties that come hand in dirty-sticky-little-hand with parenting.
In working with many clients on parenting related issues here at the Couples Counseling Center in Chicago, I have come up with four essential steps to most effectively manage the frustrations and stresses involved.
Tip one – Identify the triggers
Start looking for patterns in the things that consistently spark frustration, anger, or even anxious feelings. If you are a fairly new parent, this is particularly important. Think about these “triggers” and just start becoming a little more aware of them; is there any common theme or routine to them?
Perhaps you have a child who doesn’t love to eat, and really resists a lot of different food. Or a child who hates being in their car-seat and screams their head off while in it. Again, begin to tune in to some of these triggers and try to connect each trigger to the emotional response it creates within you.
In the case of the child who is difficult while trying to feed, just the idea of an upcoming meal could potentially initiate an anxious or agitated response in you. Once the trigger happens, ask yourself ‘what am I telling myself about the trigger?’ Or, what is my narrative? Your emotional response will likely be directly related to that story or narrative you’re telling yourself.
Tip two – try to keep the triggers in perspective
When you’re having a strong emotional reaction during a difficult moment with your child, ask yourself “what’s this really about?” If you take a few seconds to consider this question, I imagine that some percentage of conflicts will be immediately eliminated.
The truth is sometimes we get so wrapped up in winning the battle or teaching the lesson, that we can lose sight of the bigger picture (the war if you would).
Do I really care THIS much what shoes my child wears, or if they didn’t completely clean their dinner plate? Or has this now become a matter of my child HAS TO eat because I said so?
This could certainly be a tricky road to navigate because the truth is, often times we do feel responsible for teaching those lessons. However, by keeping the triggers as well as your response in perspective you are much more likely to get across to your child without them feeling bad or having a meltdown along the way.
FYI: Be sure to read more about anger management approaches if you are looking for more guidance under this point.
Tip three – don’t take it personally
Remember that you’re dealing with a child. I repeat, you are dealing with a child! Depersonalizing your child’s behavior is a key to positive and productive parenting. In my experiences as a parent dealing with difficult moments, I know this is the clear line in the sand for me.
On the side of the line where I take things personally (via a narrative like: ‘we have talked about this 10 times already, why aren’t you listening to me!?!’ for instance) I get angry, become frustrated, and my child responds negatively.
However, on the other side of that line where I do not take her actions personally (the narrative could be: ‘this is pretty normal for a 4 year-old who isn’t getting what they want’) and I don’t get angry or frustrated with her. Instead I feel more compassion and empathy, and I am more likely to speak calmly and ultimately get a much more positive reaction from my child.
Tip four – have as much fun as possible
These childhood years fly by, and as grown-ups we only have so many opportunities to get down on the floor and play. Remember that if you’re having fun with your child, s/he is probably having even more fun with you.
A good dose of childish play keeps us young at heart, bonds and connects us with your kids, and balances out those frustrating moments with plenty of laughs and good times.
Final Thoughts
Parenting is hard work, and there is certainly no perfect way to go about it. If you’re keeping your child’s best interest in mind while maintaining your sanity along the way, you’re probably onto something.
These four steps are meant to help along the journey by enhancing your capacity to handle difficult moments, and improving your (and your child’s) reactions to disappointment and frustration.
Keep in mind that the way you react is going to directly impact how your child reacts, so to lessen their negative reactions you must work on yours, because after all those sticky little hands are reaching up towards you.
Leaning on you to model positive behavior and provide a calm and happy environment within which you and your children will prosper and enjoy the ride (bumps included).
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