By Deb Klecha, LCPC, CADC
So things aren’t going well and you and your partner have decided that time apart is best at this point. But what will that time look like? If you simply move out and don’t have a plan, the risk is that the inertia of being apart will simply carry you towards divorce and you will not address the issues that can possibly be resolved.
Even if they can’t, your break-up will not likely be as amicable as you would like it, and how will you know that these issues will not come up again in another relationship? Here are some ideas on how to avoid these scenarios:
1) Make a communication plan
Yes, unless there is abuse involved, you should try and communicate. But how this will look depends on the individuals involved and the situation. Will you talk on the phone? How often will you meet in-person and what will be the parameters?
What will be the rules around texting and emailing? It is often beneficial to develop concrete parameters around texting, instant messaging, and emailing as these can easily be misinterpreted and exacerbate the issues. Also be open to amending the plan if it appears that it is doing more harm than good.
2) Consider seeking the help of a trained professional
Meeting in-person will be a necessary part of the process, but it can be a challenge at best—especially when emotions are heightened. In these situations, it can be very useful to limit—at least initially—the in-person communication to a therapist’s office where both parties might feel more open, emotionally safe and heard.
The difficult conversations may become less difficult and insights may come more readily. This is also likely a place where ultimate decisions—or the beginnings of ultimate decision—can be made.
3 ) Be cautious about the information shared with others in your life
Friends and family can be an incredible and necessary source of support during this time. However, they are also most likely to develop a biased (in your favor) view of your situation which may work for you when you are hurt and angry but against you should you decide to work on the relationship.
They will never fully understand all the complexities of your relationship and may personally struggle with some of the shared information.
This can make forgiveness challenging for them and ultimately create obstacles for you and your partner if the relationship resumes following a separation.
The challenge is knowing what information is necessary and helpful for individual coping during separation and potentially harmful to future reconciliation.
Most people will take their cues from you, so if you don’t seem 100% certain that the relationship is over, they will likely either be more open to possibilities or not share their most negative thoughts.
4) Try to avoid dating other people until relationship status is clear
This can be a difficult one because, either out of passive-aggressive impulses or loneliness, the urge to date will be there on some level. But there are several risks involved. Even if both of you agree to date other people, one person could change his/her mind suddenly and become very hurt and resentful.
If you are dating, you will not have as much time or energy to focus on your analyzing and possibly improving your current relationship. And almost any new person is going to initially seem better than your partner due to being new and unknown (i.e. no shared responsibilities, stories are new, and everything is exciting in the beginning), but this may not end up being the reality.
You will be in a far better position to date effectively (should your current relationship ultimately end) if you give yourself time to figure out where your relationship with your partner stands and what your life goals are.
