By: Adam Kessler
Marriage counseling can be a tricky matter on paper. Oftentimes, when one hears about marriage counseling, they get the idea that the counseling failed if it ends in divorce and that it is successful if the couple works things out and stays together. This isn’t necessarily always the case, because if a couple will lead healthier individual lives outside of the marriage, that would be considered a success for both parties involved.
And if the couple works things out and is able to move forward continuing that relationship, that is equally as successful. Thankfully, there are many qualified marriage counselors throughout the city of Chicago who are able to help couples lead that healthier life, whether “healthier” entails together or apart.
If a couple is thinking about getting a divorce, or signs are pointing in that direction, marriage counseling can make the process of healing much easier for both partners. I will break down five reasons why seeking marriage counseling when thinking about a divorce could be beneficial, or helpful.
1. Help Reflect On The Positives
Though this might seem like an obvious solution from an outside perspective, when a couple is in a bad spot and are in a negative cycle, it can be all but impossible to even think about positive aspects of the relationship and they can get thrown out the window. A marriage counselor can help redirect the couple to reflect on their positive qualities to help balance things out. In addition, they can help them reflect on their strengths. This not only helps create a more positive mindset, but it allows the couple to hone in on their strengths and use them to any advantage they can in the therapeutic process. For example, if a couple thinks they are good at teamwork in regards to projects, the counselor can help them come up with potential ideas that work in their favor to help build the relationship back up. Just a few ideas could be: a puzzle, a couple’s retreat, daily exercise routine, and projects around the house. This can help build up communication skills along the way, also allowing the couple to gain evidence that they are able to work well together.
2. Working On Clashing Communication
Oftentimes, communication styles clashing is a major reason that couples end up in marriage counseling. If the struggles between a couple come down to something “simple” like this, then the therapist can help build that connection in an empathetic way. Because it takes two to Tango in a marriage, all it takes is one partner or the other to kick off an unhealthy style of communication.
For example, if one partner decides to go on the offensive and verbally attack the other with statements like “you do xyz…” “I can’t believe you xyz…”, the defences in the other partner will go up immediately, and they likely will join in on the pattern of attacking each other with statements like that. This can have a nasty snowball effect on the pattern of communication because it might start to condition one or both partners to learn that every time a difficult situation arises, that it is time to start attacking or blaming the other partner. If this is the case, the therapist can start to help the couple to reframe the statements that they are trying to convey. So if one partner uses language like “I can’t believe you would…”, the therapist can help reframe this to stay more emotionally-focused and utilize something like “I am shocked that xyz happened” or “I am disappointed that xyz occured.” This helps maintain individual focus, while expressing to the other partner in an empathetic way that you are feeling a certain way, vs. attacking the other partner and forcing their defences to go up.
Sometimes, boundaries (or lack thereof) can cause a clash in communication. For example, if monogamy is expected by one individual in the relationship while the other is thinking of exploring a polygamous relationship, this can cause major issues down the road when the differences are discovered. Laying out boundaries in the beginning of the relationship can help prevent issues from occurring down the road. Core values have a role in this as well. Core values are must-haves in a relationship for someone. An example of this could be a need for independence; if one individual needs time alone every so often but the other partner is more codependent and wants to spend more time together than the other. If that partner is not getting the independence they need, they might not be able to make the relationship work if the other person is not willing to compromise.
3. Assistance Expressing Feelings
Emotions are a universal language that every human can relate to. I say this because you can have different words for emotions across many cultures or languages that may sound different to us, but at the end of the day, the feeling stays the same. For example, “feliz” in Spanish means “happy” in English. However, the internal feelings we get and the state of being maintain the same between the two people who speak different languages, and this is how we empathize with each other. Applying logic to a situation is great, but limited to the specific situation. If a couple is able to stay emotionally-focused, they can work towards tackling the negative feelings they might be experiencing. Previous situations where similar feelings arose can help provide evidence for the couple in terms of how they might go about alleviating those feelings. Logic and reasoning can be very situationally-based, but feelings remain the same across the board. For example, I was working with a couple who were staying logic-focused trying to resolve a situation. Then, one partner used the phrase “I feel stressed when…” and the other one recognized that and acted upon it, stating that they knew what it was like for their partner to experience stress, and wanted to help them work through it. Oftentimes, reframing conversation to stay emotionally-focused can have this effect, but it is never a guarantee.
4. Helping The Couple Make Realizations
I say “often times” in my last statement because there are going to be times where couples do everything they can by working on changing their ways of communicating, and still find themselves struggling down the road. This is where marriage counseling might be helpful to the couple, by healthily guiding them towards a realization that they might not be able to work things out after all. Seeking counseling before deciding on getting a divorce might help the couple confirm these issues they thought they saw in their relationship.
5. Assistance Making Divorce As Smooth As Possible
Sometimes, marriages do not work out and the couple decides that after doing all they can, a divorce is imminent. Couples counseling can help “soften the blow”. The therapist can do a few things from this point forward. They can help the couple process feelings during the actual period of divorce, or even thereafter if the couple decides to stay in counseling to do so. Or, the therapist can see one partner or the other for continued individual work, while ensuring the couple is aware the therapist cannot see them together again moving forward for ethical reasons. The therapist can also help provide them resources, such as groups to attend, references for divorce lawyers, and even just a safe, neutral space for them to work things out as they finalize the process.
The counseling process, as a whole, will allow the couple to confirm whether or not moving forward with a divorce is the right decision. At the end of the day, in my opinion, it can only help the couple. They might discover that they are able to resolve their issues and move forward in their lives together, or that counseling will help soften the blow for them and allow them to move forward with divorce in the easiest way possible.
