Emotionally Unavailable Men
One of the biggest reasons people seek out counseling is to help them better understand their approach to relationships. This is particularly true for individuals who have identified an unhealthy pattern of attracting men who may be pleasant to look but are none the less emotionally unavailable. While you may not be directly inviting these “bad boys” into your romantic life, it is important to examine what own level of responsibility you may have in the overall dynamic.
What follows are five possible ways you are attracting emotionally unavailable men into your life with suggestions on how to create positive change. Warning: The information appearing below may be difficult to read because it hits a little too close to home – but here is the deal – you came here because you want something better for your life. There is no time like the present to make that happen.
Are you ready? Let’s jump right in!
1. You focus too much on pleasing him
One way that you may be unintentionally attracting emotionally unavailable men is by spending too much time focusing on his needs and wants. In fact, you may be doing this so much that you neglect important things going on in your own life, which in turn leaves you feeling depleted and empty.
Instead of trying to figure out how to make the man you are dating happy, why not allow him the opportunity to do this for you? If he cannot do this because he doesn’t have that “chip” or because he is a full on narcissist, you will at least be in a position to call him out on it.
2. You need to be needed
Another way you may be attracting emotionally unavailable men relates to your need to be needed. Essentially, we are talking about the construct of co-dependency. If you feel incomplete unless a man relies on you to take care of him, you are opening up the door to problems.
Men who are emotionally unavailable are often abusive, meaning verbally and physically. Because of your deep need to “be needed”, you get sucked into relationships with men who can never truly emote or otherwise be intimate.
3. You have fears of intimacy
You may attract people who surround themselves with drama because the chaos serves as a buffer to closeness. This happens when we come from childhoods filled with emotional abuse or if our parents were alcoholics.
People who have fears of intimacy often attract like kinds. This is part of the general law of attraction in relationships. We cannot give what we do not possess. If this particular point is true for you, it may be time to get relationship counseling to gain better insight into what’s going on deep inside.
4. You suffer from low self-esteem
This particular point may not come as a shock to you but needs to be mentioned because of its importance. If you are suffering from low self-esteem, you are likely seeking validation and approval from outside sources – meaning a man.
Building your self-esteem may require that you take a break from dating so that you can finally focus on you. This means avoiding getting involved with men who are just looking to have a good time or just wanting to use you for sex. This point may be hard to read but if you search your feelings, you will know this to be true.
5. Unhealthy boundaries
This sign touches a bit on all of the previous points but is very much unique. When you have poor boundaries in relationships, you allow men to walk all over you. This means unintentionally giving a romantic interest permission to treat you like dirt because you ignore his abusive behaviors.
On the flipside, having healthy boundaries means you love yourself enough to be able to call out the man you are seeing on his crap. It means saying no – that it is not ok when he gives you the silent treatment, lies to you or engages in acts of infidelity. It means walking away from a man who continually puts his needs above yours because he thinks he is more important.
Final Thoughts
If you are looking for more information on how to break unhealthy patterns in your relationships with men, a great book to consider picking up is Emotional Unavailability by B. Collins. Inside, you will find page after page of transformative insight that is designed to help you break the cycle of pain and humiliation that you may be feeling.
One of the best things you can do to identify other ways you may be attracting emotionally unavailable men is to get yourself into counseling. By working with a therapist who is knowledgeable on dating and relationship patterns, you begin the process of moving away from toxic relationships and onto something healthier – a positive relationship with yourself!
If you are interested speaking with one of our therapists, please give us a call at 773-598-7797 or send us a confidential email using our online contact form. Making that call could be one of the most powerful and positive things you will ever do for yourself and your future.
Thanks for visiting the Couples Counseling Center.
