Breakups Suck for a Reason
By: Tyler Fortman, PhD
Are you thinking you might be heading towards a breakup? Has a split already occurred? In either case, you may be wondering what to expect after you and your significant other part ways. We won’t lie to you – that old saying, “breaking up is hard to do” is pretty much true! Especially if you have decided to cut ties after something ugly happened in the relationship.
Here at Couples Counseling Center in Chicago, we recently gathered together our relationship therapists to explore the topic of breaking up and grief and what folks commonly experience soon after calling it quits. The truth is, losing someone as a result of a split or divorce can lead to a severe period of mourning. Sadly, society tends to discount this kind of bereavement and reserve its compassion for grief after the death of a loved one – which is ridiculous.
The intensity of grief that is felt after a breakup often catches people by surprise. The enormity of grief can often be overwhelming. It is not uncommon after a relationship collapses for feelings of massive loneliness to set in and isolation to take hold.
Yet, when a person decides to breakup, they often fail to contemplate the magnitude of the disruption and loss. As a result, they make hurried, cavalier decisions about cutting things off. Anger, boredom and lust often are in the driver’s seat when these kinds of decisions are made.
Here is the deal – when you breakup with your significant other, you are likely going to incur several types of emotional losses at once. We encourage you to read our list of seven so that you can gain a better understanding of what to expect. Some of these may seem obvious while others will make you think.
Are you ready? Let’s jump right in!
1. Intimacy
Companionship, affection, shared goals, emotional support, a sense of history … plus love and sex with that person all go away once a breakup happens. No matter how bad it was at the time you decided to break up, there will be emotional fall out on a number of levels. There always is – even for couples who reached a point towards the end where they both felt they couldn’t stand being around one another anymore.
2. Vision of future
If you are/were in a serious relationship with someone, there is a good chance that you had plans for the future. Perhaps you wanted to buy a home? Maybe someday have children together? Whatever the case, a breakup instantly changes the dynamic and erases mutual goals. This can be an extremely hard pill to swallow for many.
3. Family and friends
Whenever a couple breaks up, there are often relationships with others that are affected. Here, we are talking about jointly held friendships and family ties. The situation can become complicated when a buddy decides to choose sides, leaving one person in the former relationship out in the cold. Feelings of anger and resentment often become injected into the equation – particularly if a friends or family members are involved.
4. Money
Loss of money and financial freedom is often an unfortunate consequence after a split or divorce takes place. If you are spending money on a new apartment, a lawyer or even therapy – you are incurring an expense that is a result of the breakup. While it may not jump out at you initially, loss of financial security is something you may want to think about.
5. Social status
Were you and your significant other considered a “power couple”? Do most of your friends consider the both of you the “life of the party?” If you answered yes to either of these two questions, you need to prepare yourself for a loss of social status. Many people do not think of status as a potential negative but it is a very issue to consider.
6. Ego
Your ego may suffer a blow – particularly if your mate has decided to dump you. Many people describe strong feelings of rejection after they have been told, “I want be on my own”. Others describe feelings of guilt and shame. All of these experiences are normal and common but none the less hurt like hell. This is particularly true if you were emotionally dependent.
7. Confidence
Breakups often cause a person to feel less confident. This is particularly true if you were in a long term relationship that started when you were younger and now find yourself “out on the market” again trying to complete with other singles. If the reason your relationship ended was because of psychological abuse or because of repeated cheating, this problem can become compounded. In truth, loss of confidence can be a very real thing once the romance terminate.
Summing Things Up
If you are thinking of breaking up with someone or contemplating a divorce, we encourage you prepare for the potential losses that will follow. We say this from a place of experience because we know that grief is a very real part of the process when a relationship dies.
We like this book because it universalizes many of the common feelings experienced by most all people who decide to pull the plug on a relationship or who have been dumped.
Counseling for couples who are thinking of ending things can sometimes make the emotional blows softer. And of course – individual therapy can act as a conduit for healing in cases where you just need a safe space to process all that you are feeling.
Thanks for taking the time to read this post. If you found helpful, please share with others on Facebook, Google + and Twitter!