Pre-Marriage Counseling Considerations
By: Daniel R. Sullivan, LPC
Pre-marriage counseling has started to gain popularity in recent years and specifically in Chicago. Part of this growth can be attributed to ongoing efforts on the part of counselor/educators who are actively involved with spreading the word about the many benefits attached to premarital counseling. We certainly have done our part to help spread the word. Oh – and let’s not forget that same sex marriage (aka “gay marriage”) is also part of the dynamic.
The other reason we are seeing more people interested in therapy before marriage likely has something to do with the divorce rate in this country, which is thought to hover around 50%. Depending upon which survey report you read, Chicago supposedly ranks number 6 in the nation for divorce (yikes!).
Sorry, I don’t have the breakdown data available for the different neighborhoods like Lakeview, Uptown, Gold Coast or Andersonville. Wouldn’t that be interesting to see?
Pre-Marriage “Quickies”?
In any event, the other day I was talking to a therapist friend of mine who shared that some organizations are offering premarital counseling to clients in just 2-4 sessions. I was taken a bit back by this because I recognized there are a myriad of issues that come up with couples as they consider strengthening their relational bonds through the marriage process.
I thought to myself … “Can you really do effective premarital counseling in just 2, 3 or 4 sessions?” As I looked at our own comprehensive program that covers 14 specific topics as part of the couples therapy process, I eventually arrived at the answer – NO. While it’s true that cookie-cutter approaches to counseling don’t exist, it’s also true that some issues can’t be rushed.
My sense is that some places may advertise “quickie” therapy before marriage as a way of getting folks through the door and then roping them into longer forms of relationship counseling. Is this a bit of bait and switch? That’s up to you to decide. But common sense is likely telling you something smells.
The 7 Big Pre-Marriage Reasons Against Quickies
What follows are 7 concrete reasons why you shouldn’t do quickie pre-marriage couples counseling. Yes, I understanding money might be tight but I think after you read what appears below you will understand why this isn’t a good idea.
While some of the points listed underneath will strike you as common sense, others may cause you to pause and reflect. I encourage you to read them all in order to absorb their deeper meaning.
Let’s jump right in!
1. You can’t rush love
The way you attach in relationships is an important consideration when you tie the knot. One of the big reasons couples split in this country is because they marry too soon, too fast.
Premarital counseling offers an excellent space to explore motivations for marriage and determine if both parties involved in the relationship are ready for the big day. You just can’t determine this in “speed-racer” counseling.
2. Role models are important
If you are planning on getting married, particularly for the first time – who are your marriage role models? On a related note, are these role models healthy or unhealthy? This question is being asked simply to get you to think about how you might try to structure your relationship after the two of you say, “I do”.
The blue prints we receive for what a marriage should look like are not always realistic or healthy. Don’t you think this is something that should be explored in a meaningful way before getting hitched? FYI: This point holds true even for couples who are living together before marriage.
3. Boundaries matter
While the two of you may enjoy spending most of your time together, this will likely change as time goes on (don’t worry, it’s natural). Assessing ways to build in privacy as part of the marriage can go a long way in preventing a codependent dynamic.
Don’t you think it’s better to set healthy boundaries now instead of trying to figure it out down the road? This point is particularly true if you have been married before for reasons that don’t need explaining!
4. Intimacy for the long term
A big reason couples break up and marriages end can be traced to problems in the bedroom. What I have said may be very direct but it also happens to be true. Challenges around intimacy are attributable to a number of things, including certain cultural and gender misnomers.
The ability to talk effectively about issues like sex and intimacy are of key importance when it comes to a successful marriage that stands the test of time. Meaningful dialogue around this specific issue just isn’t something that can be raced through in a session or two. Make sense?
5. Money matters
You know that old saying that suggests, “Love will conquer all”? Guess what, it’s pretty much a big fat lie. Sadly, many people buy into this ridiculous marriage myth (along with several others) and later find out wishful thinking can land them in divorce court.
Clearly stating your financial expectations before getting hitched will go a long way in preventing problems down the road. If truth be told, this single issue alone can take up an entire session – if not more than one. Do you really want to try and quick-fast this topic?
6. Children and family
Do you want children? How about your spouse to be? If you don’t know the answer to this question, that might be a problem. If the answer is yes, how do you want the children to be raised in the emotional and spiritual sense?
By extension, what role will in-laws play as part of your relational dynamic (see our in-laws post). While this topic may not be on your immediate radar, it likely will come up in the future. Have you thought about these issues?
7. Learning Effective Communications
This last point is perhaps the most important of all. How you communicate with your fiancé really matters. If conversations seem one sided right now – on your part or that of your mate’s, it’s not going to somehow improve once you are at the altar.
On the same side of the coin, if you or your partner goes into shut-down mode at the slightest hint of conflict, getting married isn’t going to magically “fix” the problem once the two of you are wed. Now – meaning right now – is the time to explore communications issues and barriers before walking down the aisle. Quick fast premarital counseling isn’t the way to go about it. In fact, it could make it worse by glossing over serious issues.
Final Thoughts
Getting married is no doubt a happy occasion. It’s also serious business. One of the things we like to do at Couples Counseling Center is to encourage clients to think about effective ways to get to know their future spouse by exploring some of the topics discussed above.
An excellent conduit for assessing the strength of your relationship is our couples/relationship report card. You might find what you and/or your partner records on this document to be quite revealing.
I hope you have found the information in this post on pre-marriage counseling useful. Remember, successful relationships take time and effort. How you and your significant other plan to shape the destiny of your marriage is in large part up to you.
Do you really want to rush it?