More Intimacy Means Active Involvement
By: Couples Counseling Chicago Staff
If you are looking to create more intimacy in your relationship, you certainly aren’t alone. Many Chicago couples seek out therapy with the hope of discovering new ways to rekindle the magic that once was so special. This is particularly true for lovers who have been together for a long time or for couples who have who have been apart because of a military deployment.
Bear in mind that the list of 10 offered here should be thought of as intimacy springboards. Most couples find that one of two of these works best for their relational dynamic and that adaptations are necessary in order for a given suggestion to “work”.
Ideally, the both of you will try to commit to at least one of the ideas presented here. After making your choices, go ahead and give it a mindful go! After a week, check in with one another to assess the impact.
Are you ready? Let’s jump right in!
1. Greetings
It’s easy to fall into the ho-hum routine of saying hello and goodbye to our mate. But when is the last time you really greeted your significant other with zeal? When is the last time you said, hello with enthusiasm? How about when you depart? Do you hug or kiss when you say goodbye? Maybe you should take a cue from dogs on mindful greetings! Now what if you started doing this today?
2. Create a regular date night
Watching TV and related passive activities don’t do much to amp up intimacy. After a while, they can actually get pretty boring! What would it be like to pick one night a week (or weekend) to go out on a real date? Here, we are talking about dinner or something interactive. A date doesn’t have to be expensive either. There are many things you can do on a budget that might surprise you!
3. Love notes
Writing actual love letters and cards is a lost art in our digital society. Talk to your parents or grandparents and you will find out that expressing love was often done using good old fashioned pen and paper. There’s just something uniquely intimate about a hand written note that expresses intimacy. Create a card from construction paper and you really have something! How would it be if you and the person you are with committed to doing writing something to one another once a week?
4. Chatting for 15
One of the first things couples who are trying to create greater intimacy discover is the historical lack of genuine communication. Here, we are talking about face to face chit-chat. While texting and Skyping have their place, they shouldn’t be thought of as a replacement for in vivo conversation. Why not set aside 15-minutes a week to sit down and simply talk. Make a pot of coffee or brew some tea. Just make sure there are no distractions. Remember, this is special time for you and your mate!
5. Learn something together
Achieving more intimacy can often be realized through learning. We’re not talking about watching something educational on TV here. Instead, we’re suggesting that the both of you pick something of mutual interest that requires hands on doing. Examples include golf lessons, skiing, boating and so forth. The idea is to identify something that both of you can share together. Avoid choosing an activity that either of you already have experience with. Think new and different!
6. Talk Therapy
We are placing this one in the middle of the list because we believe that talk-therapy, also referred to as counseling, can help couples enhance closeness. Many people make the mistake of believing that going to counseling is an indication something is wrong. In truth, it can actually mean something is very much right! It might be helpful for you to think of therapy as a way of enhancing the strengths in your relationship.
7. Celebrate moments
Many couples fall into the rut of minimizing important moments. Here, we are talking about old standbys like anniversaries, birthdays and holidays. Think back in time to when the both of you met. Wasn’t that first date special? How about the first time you celebrated a birthday or holiday together? What would it be like to commemorate these moments in a more meaningful way? While the suggestion offered here may not work each week, it can be tacked on to some of the other suggestions discussed in this post.
8. Touching
This is a particularly meaningful way to generate more intimacy and is vital to long term relational health. Touching our significant other in a mindful, deliberate way helps us to reconnect with the person we are lovingly attached to. An easy way to do this is by giving one another a massage. Another approach is to engage in sensate focus. Some couples find it easier to emotionally connect with their partner before commencing intimate touch. The choice of course is yours but increasing physical contact can be a powerful way to dial up passion!
9. Volunteer
This may seem like a silly suggestion but stay with us for a moment. What would it be like if you and the person you are with picked a volunteer activity connected to something you both care about? Instead of just talking about a given issue, the both of you can actually do something about it! It was Mohamed Gandhi who said, Be the change the world so desperately seeks. Volunteering is a meaningful way to create closeness with your mate and while simultaneously paying forward to the universe.
10. Surprise one another
This final suggestion is fairly straight forward. Intimacy can often be strengthened through unexpected moments. It is a demonstration of our love for another when we do something special for them. These acts of love do not need to be grandiose. What would it be like to make breakfast tomorrow morning for your mate? How would your lover react if you attended to a task they were normally responsible for?
When you think about it – there are likely lots of ways you can surprise the special someone in your life. Why not make a list and try a few of the things you have written down?
Final Thoughts
Leo Buscaglia wrote a book several years ago that was all about the topic of love. A basic premise shared in Living, Loving and Learning was this: One doesn’t fall in or out of love – they stop growing in love.
When you think about it, Buscaglia was absolutely right. Love – meaning true love – can only flourish when we actively choose to participate in our relationships. We hope you found the suggestions made here useful. Please be sure to like Couples Counseling Center on Facebook.
