Counseling for Military Married Couples
By: John D. Moore, PhD and Tyler Fortman, PhD
Military marriage counseling is somewhat different than traditional marriage therapy. You may be wondering … how so? Well, the primary difference is simply this – married members of the military (particularly those with children) have a unique set of needs and issues that differ from the civilian population. Here, we are talking about everything from long term deployments to combat related traumas to “coming home” challenges to last minute “TDYs”. If you wear the uniform, you know exactly what we are talking about. This reality is true regardless of which branch you serve in; be it the Army, Air Force, Navy or Marines.
Here at Couples Counseling Center in Chicago, we have worked with a fair number couples and their families as they try to manage the myriad of issues that come along with military service. Many of our clients have shared with us that they prefer counseling outside of the VA and DoD because they prefer having a marriage therapist not connected to the “system”. This point is particularly true for couples who are transitioning back to civilian life.
Military Marriage Counseling Benefits
Many people believe that the decision to attend marriage counseling is an indication that something is drastically “wrong” with their relationship. We believe just the opposite! And because our counselors use strength based approaches for marriage/couples therapy, we help both parties in the marriage focus on what is going right in their situation and then use these identification points as building blocks for the future.
Research suggests that when couples are both committed to the counseling process, marital satisfaction increases and relationship distress decreases. Obviously, the outcome of the counseling process takes time and commitment but in the end, it can make a huge difference in creating stronger, happier relationships. If you have time, be sure to check out our guide that explores the question, does marriage counseling work?
What follows are 7 solid benefits that can be realized when partaking in military marriage counseling. Keep in mind that this form of relationship therapy is designed to address the unique set of issues that impact service members as well as some of the more common marriage problems that pop up for all couples.
Are you ready? Let’s jump right in!
1. Developing a plan for deployments
One of the great benefits of marriage counseling for service members and military spouses is the ability to create a concrete plan for communication. With the help of a counselor, you and your significant other can feel a bit more empowered by exploring potential ways to stay in touch by establishing a meaningful plan of action. This can help reduce common fears of abandonment. We recognize that this may not be possible for all who get deployed because some assignments are “top secret”.
FYI: If you are an unmarried couple and looking for counseling before marriage while one or both of you are serving, working with a therapist to figure out the logistics can relieve a great deal of stress by creating a plan for how to manage your military marriage.
2. Transition back to civilian life
While the decision to transition back into civilian life after military service can be a time of great joy, it can also create moments of intense stress. This is particularly true for service members who have been part of a long term deployment or multiple deployments.
Routines, relationships and day to day dynamics are necessarily disrupted as a result. Frustration and anger can often be the end result. Marriage counseling can be an excellent way to figure out how to best make the transition back to civilian life while also normalizing the anxiety that comes along with the “big change”.
3. Establishment of parental roles
If you are a service member who has been deployed, it is not uncommon for the spouse who has been left behind to wear multiple hats. Here, we are talking about being both “mom and dad” for an extended period of time.
Military marriage counseling can help to establish and re-establish parental roles with children so that the transition is less stressful. A key element of this process is helping the couple become reintroduced to children in the context of military retirement.
4. Intimacy and sex
Many people who leave the military mistakenly believe that once they are home, intimacy will not be a problem. After all, being away for an extended period of time should naturally make two people desire one another – right? Sorry, but this is somewhat of a myth. In truth, the situation is much more complicated.
If a long distance relationship has been in place, the dynamics of intimacy are necessarily different. Marriage counseling can help a couple better address the potential anxiety that exists around intimacy and assess how sex can be reintroduced into the relationship. This is accomplished through various components of couples counseling sex therapy.
5. Identifying goals for the future
A final benefit of military marriage counseling is the identification of goals for the future. Here, we are talking about goals as a couple, such as buying a new home, having children or completing a degree program.
When both parties in the marriage are able to identify goals and then take steps towards their achievement, it creates a “working together dynamic” that ultimately benefits the relationship. In fact, reaching goals is an important element of the marriage counseling process.
Military Marriage Presentation
At Couples Counseling Center, we recognize that members of the armed forces and their families carry special burdens. One of those difficulties is the reality that extended deployments create emotional distress on a number of fronts. Over the course of time, these pressures can cause couples to fractures.
We are including a presentation below by Dr. John D. Moore, founder of Couples Counseling Center, who gave a presentation to the Air and Space Conference at the U.S. Air Force Association. This same presentation was also made available to the Association of the U.S. Army and the Department of Defense World Wide Conference. We hope you find this material useful.
Final Thoughts
If you are in the military, we want you to know that the decision to seek out marriage counseling can be a very good thing! If you are in Chicago, please give us a call at 773.598.7797 to discuss your needs or send us a confidential note through our secure online contact form.
If you are outside of Chicago and in need of marriage counseling, be sure to visit the counseling resources on Military.com. You will find lots of resources there, including free access to couples counseling through various programs.
Finally, all of the marriage counselors and couples therapists here at Couples Counseling Center would like to take this opportunity to thank you for serving our country – past and present. We honor our men and women in uniform and will never forget the sacrifices you have made to keep us safe.
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