Should you stay together or breakup?
By: Jennifer Lawal, LPC, NCC
For many people in Chicago, starting a romance is often the easiest part of the relationship. You know you like her and right from the get-go, you knew you wanted to be with him. Even for the few who have given up on love or the idea of being in a relationship, we can all agree that the start of a new relationship often feels like the start of a new adventure.
However, it is at times difficult to know when a relationship is over, and if it is the right time to end things.
For the better part of many decades, the media have shown us the sides of many relationships we all aspire to have. The part where everything works out in the end and we all live happily ever after. The truth is, some relationships shouldn’t have started in the first place, and while others show telltale signs of doom before the first anniversary, we still embark on the journey.
Don’t get me wrong, every relationship given the right direction, guidance, and hard enough work, should succeed — and in-fact should live if not happily, perhaps contempt together till death. But the fact is that some relationships should end sooner rather than later, and sometimes even with the answers in front of you, it is often difficult to watch a relationship you have worked so hard to keep alive come to an end.
Frankly, for some relationships, there are some real justifiable reasons why you and your partner cannot seem to get past some of the issues in your relationship. Even with all of your hard work, multiple sessions of couples counseling and devotion; trying to save a failing relationship might not only be detrimental to the health of the relationship but to your physical and psychological health and wellbeing.
Therefore, it is important to be aware of repeated patterns and signs that the relationship has run its course.
As a therapist who works with couples in Chicago, with clients that from all different parts of the city (Lakeview, Uptown, Gold Coast, Edgewater and so forth), I’d like to offer 5 signs that it may be time to cut the chord on your relationship.
Obviously, each situation is unique, meaning a cookie-cutter approach isn’t a good idea. That said, it may be helpful to look at patterns. Here are 5 signs to consider.
1. Our Communication Always End up in Arguments.
Similar to real estate, location, location, location. Same goes for your relationship, but in this case, communication is key and highly important. While communication is not the most important thing in a relationship, it is essential and allows you to express your needs, wants and desires to your partner.
It is noteworthy and I am not just referring to any type of communication–what I am referring to is the importance of having an effective communication, which is a big part of any successful relationship. Emotional avoidance or failing to communicate your true feelings to your partner out of the fear of it ending in an argument will most likely create a big void in your relationship.
In addition, the ability to be completely vulnerable with your partner by communicating both negative and positive emotions fosters a healthy relationship. But if you find yourself holding back, because whenever you communicate, it is often invalidated and dismissed; then it is time to re-evaluate and decide if the relationship you’re in is right for you.
2. Trust Rupture: I can’t Trust him/her Anymore:
According to Psychology Today, the number one predictor of a relationship’s success is trust. This includes being reliable, dependable, and a source of real support during tough times. Everything else after that is negotiable.
Think of this, why would you want to be with someone whom you can’t trust? While that sounds like an no-brainer, some couples experience trust ruptures early on, either through dishonesty, infidelity, hurtful words, etc.
Naturally, when we lose trust, we also lose the sense of security and vulnerability. We experience a sense of betrayal that can be difficult to rebuild; hence complete loss of ability to form/maintain deep connections. The reality is, you cannot truly love your partner without complete trust. Any relationship that isn’t rooted in trust and honesty is heading in the wrong direction.
Therefore, if you find yourself dealing with trust issues and can’t see yourself coming around, then it is time to reconsider your motive for staying in the relationship.
3. There is one form of Abuse Occurring (physical, emotional, mental or verbal):
No matter what type of relationship you are in, any form of abuse in any relationship is not healthy and should not be accepted.
Male or female, no one should be subjected to abuse. If there are signs of abuse in your relationship, be aware of the patterns and the impact on your personal growth. Ten seek immediate interventions to help build the courage to end the relationship and steps necessary for healing.
4. Constant Arguments and Stonewalling:
It is true that some arguments are healthy in a relationship, and a healthy dose of it can allow you to communicate your needs to your partner. Rightfully, we are indeed unique individuals with our own unique corks and habits; however, like with life, too much of anything can be bad for you. Likewise, the same goes for arguments in a relationship.
Repeated arguments that are encoded with hurtful words, sarcasm and name callings can have a corrosive impact on a relationship.
It is one thing to get in an argument because you just can’t seem to understand and accept your partner’s point of view, it is another to not only disagree but engage in an all-out below the belt, screaming heated matches where no one is listening. Successful couples try to stay and color within the line and are often aware of the boundaries and implications of stepping out of bounds.
If you are in a relationship where the lines are often blurred and there are no restrictions or awareness of emotional reactivity, well–it is a great time to slow down and rethink your relationship.
5. You Can’t See a Future With Them:
I’d like to think that all of our time is precious and valuable, so is the time we spend fostering a relationship. If you find your partner making future plans without you in them, or exploring other options without your knowledge, then you might want to look at the signs of the wall.
Why pass your time with someone who is not willing to fully commit to you, or who is only with you because you are the only option for now and not for the long haul? This is an important question to ponder on, especially if your relationship feels a though it is running on a hamster wheel and you want more.
If you find yourself wanting more out of the relationship but rolling with it because you’re fearful of losing your partner if you asked for more, then it might be the best time to ask for more and be in a relationship where your goal and aspirations are equally aligned.
**While this is not a one-size-fits-all signs and deal breakers, it is important to keep in mind that every relationship is different and has its own complexities, and what worked in your last, might not fit your current.
