What If I’m Not Attracted to My Husband?
By: Lincoln Giesel, LCSW
Let’s begin by acknowledging that this thought is completely normal and more common than you may realize. I doubt anyone in history has been consistently, overwhelmingly attracted to their partner exclusively.
If you are experiencing this thought somewhat frequently and find it upsetting, the most important first step is not to take any drastic action. Instead, I would encourage you to start with curiosity and compassion around why you might be feeling or thinking this way.
Notice how you may be engaging in unhelpful and even emotionally harmful comparisons with other men. In a city as large as Chicago, it is pretty common for even the most committed spouse to let their eyes wander to someone attractive passing them on the street. We cannot control our immediate thoughts and feelings.
Related: I’m attracted to emotionally unavailable people
However, we can control how long we dwell and fixate on these otherwise fleeting thoughts. While there will always be someone with whiter teeth or more spare time to exercise than our spouse, it is how we interpret and assign meaning to that initial attraction that matters.
Similarly, many of us are exposed to idealized views of bodies, facial features, and what sexual relationships look like in general. If you haven’t yet, I would encourage you to explore which physical aspects of his body you may find somewhat attractive.
Try to notice if you have a tendency to think rigidly–black or white, attractive or unattractive–and complicate it a bit. If this is the person you have committed to loving for as long as you can, and there are no other glaring relationship issues, it could be worth challenging your beliefs around what an “attractive man” even is, and focus on physical features of his that still draw you in.
On a deeper level, your decrease in attraction could be a symptom of a larger, ongoing breakdown in feelings of connection in your relationship. Fortunately, these issues are often treatable in couples or individual counseling. A therapist may begin by asking if there are needs that you feel are not being met in your relationship.
Is there something he is habitually doing that “makes him” less attractive to you? It could be something minor like leaving the toilet seat up or forgetting to wipe the counters down, or something more serious like frequent substance use or a major discrepancy in values? Maybe there was a recent disappointment in your relationship that has caused you to retreat and think of him differently?
On the other hand, notice what aspects of his personality, character, or values system are attractive to you. If you find that there is no glaring ongoing conflict between the two of you, maybe you have begun to lose sight of the positive qualities that attracted you to him to begin with?
Related: How to know you need couples therapy
This is not to say that you should minimize your problem of lack of attraction by focusing only on gratitude and romance. However, it could be interesting to see how focusing on his internal qualities that draw you to him could help restore a bit of longing that was present earlier in your relationship.
Another question to ask yourself Is if you feel attractive to him? Many couples can get into an intimacy stalemate where they both withhold physical affection and attention to one another. In this case, it is less important to pinpoint “who started it,” and more effective to look at the overarching pattern.
What could be happening is a case of two people who are still physically drawn to each other, but have been withholding physically from each other for long enough that they have convinced themselves they do not have a sensual or sexual spark. For this line of inquiry, it could be helpful to approach it from a “we” perspective.
Related: 10 reasons your man doesn’t want intimacy
This post assumes the reader’s lack of attraction to their husband is a less urgent, more fleeting thought. However, if the thought remains stagnant or intensifies, it may be indicative of a deeper concern that could be best treated in individual counseling.
It could be worth investigating your past, or even your sexual and intimacy desires more broadly, with a trained provider to better understand your lack of attraction to your husband.
