Reflections After a Fight

By: Lincoln Giesel, LCSW

Have you noticed you are having the same draining and tedious conflict with your partner or spouse week after week? While occasional conflict is an expected part of a healthy long term romantic relationship, if you find yourself feeling stuck in the same rut, it may be time to reexamine why.

Rather than promising to avoid conflict altogether in your relationship, this post aims to guide the reader through potential questions you could ask yourself after a fight to help yourself feel less trapped in the same unhelpful patterns.

How do I interpret the presence of conflict? I would like to remind you that we can think of conflict in more neutral, nonjudgmental terms. Conflict often happens due to an attempt from two parties to meet their respective wants or needs, which is normal in a relationship. Do you add extra meaning to the natural process of conflict that may make it more difficult to move through? For example, you may feel that there is something intimate and secure about fighting, and feel apprehensive about the possibility of things being “too good.” On the other hand, you may be overly avoidant of conflict, negatively appraising it as always unhealthy or “toxic.”

Did I see my parents fight? How was conflict in a long-term romantic relationship modeled to me, and what aspects of it do I want to keep or change? There is no perfect way to move through conflict, and we should never get into the habit of blaming our parents for our mistakes. However, if your parents exclusively argued behind closed doors (which is understandable), you may not be fully equipped to manage it effectively. If your parents had very volatile fights, or even an abusive dynamic, conflict may feel particularly overwhelming for you.

Related: 12 tips for fair fighting!

Is there an underlying emotion we need to confront, such as fear or hurt? In essence, why did we really fight? Sometimes, conflict may arise from pure anger about an unjust situation or an action from our partner that crosses our values. However, there may be a deeper threat to your feelings of security in the relationship that was stirred up during this fight. By acknowledging your more vulnerable emotions of sadness, hurt, or fear, you can potentially transform a fight into a more productive, honest conversation centered around your deep commitment to your partner.

Are either of us experiencing any underlying vulnerability factors? This may include work stress, conflict with other family members, physical illness, or just general exhaustion. If either of you are experiencing these or other vulnerabilities chronically, be sure to treat these proactively so they do not become an unnamed emotion you are transmitting onto one another.

In a similar vein, could I be regulating my emotions more effectively? Am I turning to my partner to regulate my emotions? You could be getting into the habit of relying on your partner for validation, empathy, or other forms of soothing. While we are social creatures and rely on some degree of external validation, be mindful of your expectations of your partner to take on more emotional labor than is reasonable for a romantic relationship.

What do I need during and after a fight to feel grounded and secure in my relationship? This could be as simple as a kiss goodnight before bed. It could be a reminder that neither of you are going anywhere, and your relationship can withstand a fight.

Similarly, what does my partner need from me to feel grounded and secure in our relationship?

Are there underlying unmet needs of mine or of my partners’ that are surfacing in this conflict? Was it really about forgetting to take out the trash, or is this part of an ongoing pattern of myself or my partner not feeling prioritized or heard in the relationship? It can be tempting to diminish a specific piece of feedback in isolation, like not texting back promptly while you are out for the evening. However, feedback is often linked to a larger pattern of behaviors that may need to change in order to improve the relationship.

Related: How to call a couples time out

How quickly did the fight start up? Are there tangible things I could be doing in the moment to prevent a spiral or an escalation? In addition to individual emotion regulation, as well as ongoing unmet needs in the relationship, are there nonverbal or para-verbal changes I could make while we argue? This could include tone, body language, facial expression, choice of words, and even setting.

How can I prevent the same intensity and duration of conflict in the future? While it is important to acknowledge that conflict is inevitable and healthy in a relationship, it can be unnecessarily exhausting to experience an emotional rollercoaster with your partner or spouse day after day. If the issues do not resolve on their own, reaching out to an individual therapist or couples’ therapist in the Chicago area could be an effective part of sustainably solving the problem.

References

Domestic Violence resource: https://www.thehotline.org