Before Marriage: What To Discuss

As a couples therapist based in Chicago, I often work with couples who are eager to make the transition from dating or cohabitating to marriage. It’s part of premarital counseling. While the prospect of marriage brings excitement and hope, it’s also a big step that requires open conversation, intentional planning, and a deep understanding of one another’s values and goals.

Many couples spend more time planning their wedding day than discussing what will come after, which can leave them unprepared for some of the challenges they’ll face together.

Exploring essential topics before marriage can help ensure you and your partner are aligned on the foundational aspects of a life together. Here, we’ll discuss the most important conversations every couple should have before they say “I do.”

1. Financial Compatibility and Goals

Money is one of the most common sources of conflict in marriage. Yet, many couples avoid talking about it, either out of discomfort or a belief that love will simply “take care of it.” However, addressing finances upfront can prevent many issues down the road.

Here are some key financial questions to consider:

How much debt do we each have? Being transparent about debt is critical. Whether it’s student loans, credit card debt, or a mortgage, sharing your financial history with your partner helps set realistic expectations.
How do we view and manage money? Understanding whether one of you is a saver and the other a spender can provide insight into potential challenges.
What are our financial goals? Whether you’re aiming to buy a home, save for retirement, or travel, it’s essential to align on short- and long-term financial goals.
How will we handle shared expenses and bank accounts? Couples differ in their approach—some prefer joint accounts, while others keep separate finances. Discussing this upfront helps to avoid misunderstandings later on.

2. Communication Styles and Conflict Resolution

Healthy communication is essential for a successful marriage, but many couples enter marriage without a clear understanding of each other’s communication preferences and triggers. It’s crucial to explore how each of you deals with conflict and stress.

Consider these communication-related questions:

How do we each respond to conflict? Understanding whether your partner tends to withdraw, becomes defensive, or needs space can help you avoid unnecessary escalation during disagreements.
How do we process emotions? Some people need to talk through issues immediately, while others prefer time to process. Knowing each other’s needs can make a significant difference.
What topics trigger strong reactions? If there are unresolved issues from the past, cultural or family expectations, or other sensitive topics, these should be acknowledged and handled with care.

3. Career Aspirations and Family Life Balance

Careers are a significant part of life, and differences in ambition or work-life balance can lead to tension. If one partner expects the other to prioritize family over career, or vice versa, it can cause frustration and resentment.

Key questions in this area include:

What are our career goals? If one partner has plans for a demanding career, this could impact the other’s expectations for family time.
How do we feel about work-life balance? Discuss what each of you expects regarding time at home, flexibility, and work commitments.
Are we willing to relocate for work? If there’s a possibility that one of you could be offered a position in another city, how do you both feel about that?

4. Family Planning and Parenting Values

Starting a family is one of the most personal decisions a couple will make together, and it’s a topic that requires both depth and honesty. Even if children aren’t in your immediate plans, it’s important to explore your feelings about parenthood.

Here are some questions to help guide the discussion:

Do we want children? If so, how many? It may seem straightforward, but if either partner is ambivalent about having children, this needs to be discussed openly.
What are our parenting values and styles? From discipline to education, your approach to parenting can affect your relationship and your children’s well-being.
How will we divide parenting responsibilities? Balancing parenting roles is crucial for a healthy partnership. Consider discussing who will take on specific roles or whether either of you expects the other to stay home with the kids.

5. Family Dynamics and Boundaries

Every family has its own culture, and marrying someone often means you’re marrying into their family dynamics. In-law relationships and the extent of family involvement in your marriage can create strain if boundaries aren’t discussed and agreed upon.

Consider these family-related questions:

How involved will our families be in our lives? Each of you may have different expectations about time spent with family or the level of support provided.
What boundaries will we set with family? Discuss whether you’re comfortable with family members dropping by unannounced, or how you’ll handle disagreements with in-laws.
How do we manage family conflicts? When conflicts arise, having a clear understanding of each other’s priorities and boundaries can reduce stress and miscommunication.

6. Religious, Cultural, and Ethical Beliefs

Religious, cultural, and ethical beliefs often shape our values and everyday choices, and these topics can influence how you’ll approach holidays, traditions, and even ethical decisions in parenting or finances.

Here are some questions to consider:

What are our religious or spiritual beliefs? Discuss how much importance each of you places on your beliefs and what role they’ll play in your family life.
How will we handle cultural traditions and expectations? If either partner has specific cultural practices they’d like to continue, this should be acknowledged and respected.
What are our ethical stances on important issues? These could include views on things like raising children, financial ethics, or lifestyle choices, which may impact your shared life.

7. Intimacy and Sexual Expectations

Physical and emotional intimacy play an essential role in a healthy marriage. It’s not uncommon for couples to have different needs or expectations in this area, and understanding these differences is key.

Questions to guide this discussion include:

What are our expectations around intimacy? Frequency and preferences vary, and discussing this openly can lead to a stronger bond.
How do we handle changes in intimacy over time? Many couples experience changes in their intimacy levels over the years, and it’s helpful to talk about how you’ll navigate these changes.
What do we need to feel connected? Emotional connection often plays a significant role in maintaining a healthy physical relationship, so discussing what each of you needs can help strengthen your connection.

8. Personal Growth and Individuality

Marriage is about partnership, but it’s also essential to maintain a sense of individuality. Couples who grow individually and support each other’s personal goals tend to have stronger, more resilient relationships.

Questions to discuss include:

What are our individual dreams and passions? Supporting each other’s personal growth can deepen your connection and prevent feelings of resentment.
How will we handle time alone or with friends? Maintaining friendships and personal interests outside of the relationship can help both partners feel fulfilled and supported.
What do we need to feel supported in our individual pursuits? Whether it’s encouragement or practical support, discussing your needs upfront can foster a stronger partnership.

Final Thoughts

Marriage is a lifelong commitment, and couples who take the time to explore these essential topics set a strong foundation for their relationship. While it may not be possible to cover every scenario, having these discussions will foster openness and understanding.

As a Chicago couples therapist, I encourage you to approach these conversations with patience and compassion. After all, a strong marriage is built on the foundation of respect, shared values, and a deep commitment to growing together.