By: Alan Tsang, LPC
What do I do? What should I say? What if something goes wrong? What if she doesn’t like me? These are questions that come up for us when we experience concern about a relationship.
Relationships can be a hard thing to navigate, but they can also be rewarding. We can have it all in the Windy City: a successful career, the house, so why not the relationship too?
Imagine a scenario where we meet someone and it just seems amazing. You start it off with a wonderful first date, and then a second, and then a third. It is amazing how many times I can hear about first dates going well and then hear about the anxiety that comes up when people think about the relationship moving forward. So let’s talk about this; why might we get anxious about our relationships?
According to Firestone (2015), relationship anxiety typically comes out in two stages. The first focuses on asking questions internally while the second in a focuses on “turning on yourself”. Additionally, relationship anxiety is also when one or all members of the relationship place more emphasis on the intrusive, anxious thought than the relationship (Birch, 2018).
It’s hard to imagine that a relationship can turn this direction when it starts off. I imagine that at some point, we’ve been the one experiencing the anxious thoughts. At the same time, I would also validate that it is normal to experience worry or concern. So what’s the difference between that and the anxiety we’re talking about? Here are some important things to point out:
1. Overanalyzing The Situation
Thinking about the scenario but never finding a satisfactory solution, especially for something that hasn’t happened yet can be exhausting and stressful. Imagine focusing so much on the future of the relationship that we’re not even able to enjoy what’s in front of us right now (here’s a hint: your partner).
While it might be reasonable to talk about any concerns you have with your partner, what does not sound reasonable might be overanalyzing the situation and placing a sense of mistrust towards your partner. What this tells us is that relationship anxiety leads us to think about our relationships with more emphasis on negative thoughts and ‘what ifs’. That is, rhetorically asking yourself something, then irrationally responding to those questions.
Related: 5 Signs You Have Trust Issues With Your Partner
2. Reliance on Reassurance
Looking for reassurance can lead to the point of stronger insecurities. Being reassured by your partner from time to time in a difficult situation is not necessarily a bad thing. But constant reliance might lead to a strong burden being placed on the other. Your partner will be there to challenge you, work with you, and support you. But it is up to you to be “fully accepting” of what your partner has to give (Firestone, 2015).
Whitbourne (2012) writes that anxiously attached personality patterns might lead to heightened sensitivity of possible abandonment. However, this is not to say that seeking affection from your partner is a bad thing. Rather, I would challenge that it is about how much is being asked and what you believe might happen if those expectations do not get met.
Related: How Your Attachment Style Impacts Your Relationship
3. Relationship Patterns
We’ve had past relationship patterns that concerned us. Whether it was because of constant arguments or a type of communicative issue, these patterns help us define what we prefer not to have in a stable relationship. What helps us is constant communication about the current anxieties we have because of our past experiences. Being able to notice those patterns and being vulnerable about those experiences with our partner can be a way of alleviating the stressors we face.
At the end of the day, we are in charge of our anxieties, because they are after all our personal thoughts. Insecurities and anxious thoughts are natural from time to time. They let us know something might be wrong; key word being “might”. Our partners give us the reassurance that nothing is wrong, but it is on the individuals themselves to understand where those anxieties come from.
4. Sense of Control
So who wears the pants in the relationship? That’s how the question goes when things start to get serious. Perhaps a better question might be, “What are the two walls holding the house up?” (Lisitsa, 2012). John Gottman created the idea that a sound relationship is like a house with many floors and pillars keeping everything up. Part of a strong foundation is having a strong sense of trust towards your partner. Just like the foundation, trust and commitment are the foundation of any relationship.
Both you and your partner would ideally control the relationship equally, rather than one having power over the other. There might be one party that maintains a certain aspect, but not over the other person. So perhaps a reason for the anxiety we experience in the relationship is us realizing there is an imbalanced sense of control.
Overcoming what we experience with relationship anxiety can be difficult, though not impossible. Being aware of what triggers this anxiety for us relies on conscious effort and mindfulness towards our thoughts and emotional content. Relationship anxiety affects both parties. One who is anxiety-experiencing should ideally communicate effectively while being able to work within the relationship as a source of stability and comfort.
If there are any anxious thoughts that you want to work through or find ways to manage, there are many professionals in our Chicago practice that will be willing to work with you. Feel free to reach out to us through our confidential contact form; or give us a call at 773.528.1777. Thanks for stopping by!
References
Birch, J. (2018, August 6). I have relationship anxiety – here’s how it affects my dating life. Health. https://www.health.com/relationships/relationship-anxiety
Firestone, L. (2015, September 25). How to get over relationship anxiety. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/compassion-matters/201509/how-get-over-relationship-anxiety
Lisitsa, E. (2012, November 7). The sound relationship house: Build love maps. The Gottman Institute. https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-sound-relationship-house-build-love-maps/
Whitbourne, S. K. (2012, September 25). Why clingy partners cling. Expert explanations for bad, mad love. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/fulfillment-any-age/201209/why-clingy-partners-cling
