Cohabitating with your boyfriend
By: Lincoln Giesel, LCSW
Many people who have entered long term romantic relationships can relate to the wave of jitters that can accompany major steps in commitment, including moving in with your partner. In a city as big as Chicago, where many forms of healthy relationship dynamics are on the table, the once-common step of moving in with a romantic partner may feel like an increasingly foreign concept.
This post aims to assist in starting a larger discussion with yourself and your partner about their moving in as a life transition that brings inevitable stress.
First, it is helpful to determine why you are experiencing nervousness. What do you specifically dread about the prospect of sharing a space with your significant other? If you have dated for years, your deep knowledge of your partner could help you predict disagreements that may arise when living together.
Keeping your concerns as defined as possible helps them feel more manageable and treatable. For example, visualize a series of successful conversations around budgeting for your household or dividing up major chores and tasks, rather than spiraling about worst case scenarios.
Additionally, your life is not a sitcom, and your concerns with your partner may be drastically different from those of your close friends, family, or media more broadly. Remember that you and your partner are unique individuals with specific sets of circumstances. You are both experts on each other and your lives, as well as what you need as a couple to feel safe and secure during this transition.
Related: Tips for moving in with your partner
Another effective line of questioning may be around the level and frequency of nervousness you are experiencing. Does your stress seem disproportionate to the event, or does it fit the facts given the context? For some individuals, especially those who grew up in households with serious conflict or divorce, a next step towards long term romantic commitment can activate lingering emotions from the past.
Furthermore, folks with underlying mood or anxiety disorders could experience a lapse from a significant life transition. If your heightened emotions do not dissipate once you try to settle after the move, it could be worth seeking individual therapy, or bring it up with your individual therapist proactively if you have one.
Controlling for deeper anxiety or adverse childhood experiences, there may be a handful of tangible present stressors that are worth addressing. Do you and your partner have different personality traits or lifestyles that may cause conflict?
It is to be expected in any relationship for two people to have different preferences, hobbies, pet peeves, and habits. While some continued adjustment around this is normal, try to address these topics upfront so these inevitable differences do not snowball into larger concerns.
Remember, a bit of conflict, especially during a transition, is completely normal. If this starts to become a more engrained pattern, couples’ counseling may provide extra scaffolding to structure these conflicts and add skillfulness or insight to your communication difficulties.
Related: 5 questions to ask before moving in
Finally, make sure not to discount the positives. In addition to examining why you are anxious, focus on all the genuine reasons why you are both choosing to take this major step forward. If this decision and this relationship are in line with your overarching values and longer-term goals, it will be worth moving through an adjustment period and managing a bit of anxiety in the process.
You love this person, so allow yourself to get excited about having someone to return home to and share intimate moments with. And plus, rent in Chicago is not necessarily cheap. Start fantasizing about what you will do with that extra disposable income!
