Counseling focused on your sex life
Do you live in Chicago? Have you found the proverbial flame isn’t burning so hot for you and your partner in the bedroom? Hoping to find ways to heat things back up.
If so, you aren’t alone. Lots of people in the Windy City seek out different forms of sex therapy with the goal of creating greater intimacy.
If you are experiencing any of the following signs when it comes to your sex life, you might need to throw some more wood on that fire…
1. Sex feels like a chore
Sex should be pleasurable and enjoyable, and is important for maintaining a bond and intimate connection with your partner. You don’t have to be having sex every day to have a healthy sex life, but when you do have sex, whether it is once a week or once a day, once a week, or once a month, it should be enjoyable.
It is okay (and healthy) to schedule sex, but it shouldn’t feel like you’re just checking something off your to do list while you’re doing it. Maintaining a good sex life with your partner can be work, particularly in the context of a long-term relationship.
But, it should feel like a job you are excited to show up for, rather than cleaning the dishes. If sex is feeling like a chore, this is a pretty good indication your sex life needs a tune up.
2. You’ve stopped having sex
There are many reasons why the frequency of sex may decline in long-term relationships. The hormones that drive lust and infatuation in the brain usually retreat back towards their baseline after a couple years (generally, the infatuation stage lasts 18 months to 3 years to be exact).
Additionally, lives may get busier as you grow and evolve a partnership with someone (as children, pets, and other household responsibilities may enter the mix).
But, according to Helen Fisher, author of Why We Love (see Amazon) maintaining a sex life with your partner is important, as it helps drive the hormonal system of attachment, which is what can help keep you bonded to your partner long-term.
You don’t need to be having sex as frequently as you were when you first got together to maintain a healthy relationship, but if you’re not having it at all, don’t sweep it under the rug.
If you’re experiencing problems maintaining sexual intimacy in your relationship, couples counseling could help.
3. You’re unhappy with the type of sex you are having
Everybody has sexual preferences. Whether you prefer certain sexual positions, kinks, fantasies…it’s all normal. In the context of a safe, healthy, consenting relationship, there should be the opportunity to explore your sexual self.
However, if you find yourself having the same kind of sex in the same position, over and over again, well…that could understandable make sex become pretty boring. Part of what drives the passion system of the brain in romantic love, is novelty.
Most couples who maintain healthy sex lives are exploratory and adventurous in their sex.
This is not to say that you should feel pressured to engage in any type of sexual behavior that makes you feel uncomfortable, but putting in some extra effort to make sex a bit less predictable can make all the difference.
4. You find it difficult to communicate about sexual preferences
In order to get to a place where you have the opportunity to engage in the type of sex you’d like to be having, you need to be able to talk about it.
Sex should be an ongoing communication topic within your relationship; especially if/when issues arise in regards to frequency or quality. Positive reinforcement can be helpful, when you like a behavior your partner exhibits during sex, let them know. Furthermore, having conversations about sex with your partner outside the bedroom is valuable.
Setting aside time for an intentional conversation about sex with your partner can give you the opportunity to grow sexually as a couple without anyone feeling pressured to engage in sexual behavior they don’t find pleasurable.
If you are finding it difficult to communicate your sexual preferences in person, articles or other media can be a helpful aid.
Additionally, sex focused couples therapy can assist you in enhancing healthy communication around sex with your partner.
5. Your sex feels very routine
Feeling stuck in a routine in your sex life is very common. An element of adventure and novelty often proves to be a hallmark of a satisfying sex life.
After all, if you ate the same meal every time you were hungry (even if it was your favorite food), you’d probably grow tired of it.
It’s important to find small ways to break up the monotonous pattern. Perhaps that means having sex in a different location of the house, or in a location outside of the house.
It may mean having sex at a different time of day than usual. Or, conceivably, getting in touch with your sexual self and taking responsibility of your own sexual health may be warranted.
Maybe you need to delve deeper into your own body and explore what truly turns you on, so that you may have the opportunity to communicate that to your partner.
Perhaps you want to incorporate toys, outfits, or media into your sex life, or maybe you just want to feel more connected with your partner.
Whatever the case may be, sexual exploration, both with your partner and independently of your partner, is a key ingredient of a healthy sex life.
If you feel there are barriers to this kind of exploration, counseling may be able to help you uncover what those are.
A good sex life takes work, but the payoff can be a healthier, more connected relationship with a strong foundational bond. If you get stuck, don’t hesitate to reach out. Couples therapy can help.
If you are interested in counseling, please contact us using our secure contact form or call us at 773.598.7797.
