When you want children but don’t agree
By: Kari Harrison, LCPC
Chicago neighborhoods are full of budding families. If you are finding yourself wanting to start a family now or in the future but find that your partner is not on the same page, it can feel really disappointing and incite a sense of longing that is hard to ignore.
You might find more success in navigating this type of disagreement in your partnership if you…
Seek Counseling
Deep conversations regarding differences in life values can bring up highly emotional conflict. When our values/ future plans don’t align with the person we love, it can be exceedingly difficult and painful to discuss.
Shared values are an important part of a successful relationship, and congruence in values is crucial when thinking about building a future with someone.
Hopefully, this is a conversation you have early on, but if you’ve found yourself in love with someone who doesn’t share this goal for your future with you in regards to your desires to be a parent, consider couples counseling in order to explore your options in a safe space.
See if there is a compromise to be had
There are so many contributing factors for our reasoning behind whether or not we want children in our future, and despite the societal value we often place on having children, it is a completely personal choice, and there really is no right or wrong.
If there is a compromise to be had it is worth exploring. Sometimes having children is a non-negotiable, sometimes not having children is a non-negotiable, and when that is the case, it is important to respect that.
Related: Are you sabotaging your love life?
But sometimes, it’s more about timing, finances, fears about not being a good parent, etc., and when we delve deeper with our reasons for wanting or not wanting children, sometimes we find there is more room for compromise than we initially thought.
Go deeper with the “why” and the “how”
Digging into some values clarification in therapy might help you explore your reasons for wanting children, and the importance of it to you, as well as your partner’s reasons for not wanting kids, and the strength of their conviction in that as well. Is it a truly authentic desire for you to have children, or is it influenced by societal pressure?
How about from your family and friends? Does your partner not want children because of fears of being a good parent? Are their genetic vulnerabilities that make bringing a healthy life into this world more risky? Is adoption an option? Fostering? Surrogacy?
Delving deeper into what being a parent really means to you and why you value it/ do not value it is an important conversation to have with your partner.
Don’t delay
Many of us hold the notion that when we really love someone, everything else will work itself out. But the idea of “figuring it out later” can bring unnecessary heartbreak down the road.
So much of a successful marriage is based on shared values (ie finances, household expectations, sexual expectations, family expectations, etc.,), and as such, differences in values should be addressed as soon as they are illuminated.
You need to ensure your values are aligned, because putting off these types of conversations causes a great deal of friction down the road. Couples counseling can help.
