Returning to Dating After a Long Time
Due to a buildup of pressure from media, our families, or our own lived experiences, many of us at some point in our single lives may begin to think of dating as a burdensome chore. Especially in a major city like Chicago, where your family or friends may tell you this is a great place to be single and looking, you may start to feel overwhelmed or stuck in thinking patterns that add to stress while dating.
While having a bit of extra underlying anxiety when it comes to the dating process is completely normal, it also does not have to be so unpleasant that you dread it or avoid it altogether. In fact, with a bit of intentionality and reframing your approach to dates, you can start to have more genuine connections and move towards a more fulfilling romantic life. For people with dating anxiety, here are seven ways to approach this potentially daunting process that will hopefully make for a smoother and maybe even enjoyable experience.
1. Be yourself
Of course, this suggestion is much easier said than done. But if your goal for dating is truly to make connections and find someone with whom you’re compatible, you would be doing yourself and your date a disservice to think of the evening as some sort of performance. Take some time to think about how you would like to feel on a date, what qualities you are looking for in a romantic partner, and how you personally want to show up for someone.
Remind yourself that you are not solely at the mercy of whether your date is interested in you or not. Bring up topics you find generally interesting and try to go bold. You do not have to give them your entire life story on your first date, but sharing a passion, life goal, or funny story will make for a more authentic date that will help you determine if you have potential for a deeper connection.
2. Notice your inner voice
In a similar vein to the idea of “being yourself,” if you are on your fourth, fifth, or sixth date by now and are still struggling to connect, this could be a sign that the spark is simply not there. Lack of connection can be disappointing, but if your attraction to one another is not naturally forming after spending time in different settings at different times of the day, it may be an issue of chemistry. Forcing a connection when it is not there is a sure-fire way to fan the flames of anxiety and cause you to wind up unnecessarily confused about your feelings for the other person.
3. Check which other feelings are there
Explore which other feelings might be surfacing and if your emotions are more complex than simply anxiety. One common prompting event for feelings of anxiety is when we move towards an important life goal. Assuming your goal in dating is to eventually find someone to spend a great deal of quality time with, excitement, curiosity, or even frustration with a string of disappointing dates could all be additional emotions contributing to your anxiety.
4. Remember anxiety cannot control you
Become comfortable with the idea of being uncomfortable. Many people get trapped in the idea that they have to be 100% calm and collected before moving towards a stress-inducing situation. Dating can understandably stir up nerves. Continue to adjust to the reality that you may be experiencing a bit of anxiety during your dates, and that is not evidence that the date is going poorly or that you should avoid dating altogether. Imagine making space for some of your anxiety while on the date and finding a way to enjoy it regardless.
Some people struggle with forms of nervousness that can interfere in their romantic goals. Consider seeing the best social anxiety therapist you can find in these cases.
5. Similarly, notice what you can
Dating can often feel like work but the goal is ultimately to enjoy yourself! While we certainly cannot predict if our date will enjoy our jokes or our choice of restaurant, committing to a bit of dating etiquette will give us a feeling of personal agency and the satisfaction that if things don’t work out, it’s not from a lack of effort.
You can control if you are on time or if you make good eye contact. You can control whether you ask follow up questions and whether you take a similarly active role in scheduling a time and place to meet. While dating norms can feel more and more broad these days, you can always get back to the basics by asking yourself how you would like to be treated on a date.
6.What’s the worst-case scenario?
The key here is to imagine the most plausible worst-case scenario rather than a nightmare date scenario that has a very slim chance of actually happening. Scan your brain for those deep-seated fears that you have potentially convinced yourself are unmanageable.
Maybe you are concerned about appearing awkward or fumbling during the first twenty minutes of conversation. Perhaps it’s difficult for you to reject or be rejected. Or maybe you’re worried about potential questions that trigger insecurities. Whatever the concerns may be, picture yourself coping effectively and checking the facts around how upsetting the circumstance would actually be. This can be an especially helpful approach if you have already managed anxiety in these situations many times before.
7. Have self-compassion
Remembering our “common humanity” is an approach that helps us to engage from a place of self-compassion when we are being particularly harsh with ourselves. If you find that your match on a dating app is too “out of your league” for whatever reason you invent, try to imagine that they most likely regularly experience their own range of insecurities as well.
Dating, potentially even more so than job interviews or making new friends, can be particularly stress-inducing because it requires us to show more of ourselves than we would at work or even with certain friends. Someone seeing you for your perceived “flaws” or insecurities is just part of the process. If you are both committed to a deeper and more vulnerable dating process, you can both expect to confront just that. In fact, the more vulnerable and open you are willing to be, the more likely you will be to find a connection that lasts.
