Help! I’ve Been Hiding Bills From My Spouse

Hiding Bills from Spouse

The Couples Counseling Center in Chicago recently received an email from someone visiting our website. In their electronic note, they wrote what appears below. We have included our response as part of the dynamic. We have changed the person’s name to protect identities. We have also received written permission from the person to post this blog post.

Dear Couples Counseling Chicago,

Please help me! I’ve been hiding bills from my spouse to the tune of $25,000. I’m don’t want my spouse knowing how much are bills truly are and I’m afraid this might cause us to get divorced. Any advice?

Christa

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Dear Christa,

Thank you for reaching out. First, I want to acknowledge the courage it takes to admit something like this, even anonymously. Money is one of the most emotionally charged topics in relationships, and it’s not uncommon for people to feel overwhelmed or ashamed when financial issues arise. The fact that you’re seeking help shows you care about your relationship and want to address this situation before it grows further out of control. Rest assured, financial issues come up a lot in our Chicago couples counseling sessions. 

Let’s break this down together.

Why People Hide Bills

It’s important to understand that hiding financial information from a partner doesn’t happen in a vacuum. There could be many reasons behind your actions. Some common ones include:

• Fear of judgment or conflict: You might worry your spouse will be upset or disappointed if they learn about the bills you’ve been hiding.
• Shame or guilt: Perhaps the spending tied to those bills feels embarrassing, and you’re trying to avoid those feelings.
• A desire to maintain control: In some cases, people hide financial details to keep control over a part of their life that feels uncertain.
• Avoidance of deeper issues: Hiding bills may be a symptom of larger problems, such as differences in how you and your spouse view money.

Whatever the underlying reason, financial secrecy—sometimes referred to as “financial infidelity”—can erode trust and intimacy over time. The good news is that with open communication, honesty, and effort, this situation can be repaired.

First Steps: Acknowledge and Assess

Before approaching your spouse, take some time to assess the situation. Ask yourself:

1. What bills have I been hiding, and why? Be honest about the reasons behind your behavior. Understanding your motivations will help you explain the situation to your spouse.
2. How serious is the issue? Are we talking about a single bill you forgot to mention, or is this part of a larger pattern of financial secrecy? Knowing the scope of the issue will help you plan how to address it.
3. What’s the worst-case scenario? Often, fear of the unknown makes us avoid difficult conversations. Think through the possible outcomes to demystify them.

How to Approach Your Spouse

When you’re ready to talk, timing and tone are everything. Here are some tips for starting the conversation:

1. Pick the right moment: Choose a time when you and your spouse can talk privately and without distractions. Avoid bringing this up during a heated moment or when one of you is stressed or tired.
2. Own your actions: Take responsibility for your behavior without making excuses. For example, you might say, “I need to tell you something I’ve been avoiding. I’ve been hiding some bills, and I realize that was wrong.”
3. Explain without blaming: Share the underlying reasons behind your actions, but avoid shifting blame onto your spouse. For instance, “I was scared you’d be upset” is better than “I felt like you’d overreact.”
4. Express your desire to fix things: Reassure your spouse that you’re committed to resolving the issue and rebuilding trust. This could sound like, “I want us to be on the same page about money, and I’m ready to work on this together.”

Rebuilding Trust Together

Once the initial conversation is out in the open, it’s time to create a plan to move forward. Here are some strategies:

1. Be transparent: Share all relevant financial information with your spouse, including the bills you’ve been hiding. Consider creating a shared budget or using financial tracking tools to keep both of you informed.
2. Set goals as a team: Discuss your financial priorities and come up with a plan to address the hidden bills. This could involve paying off debt, creating an emergency fund, or simply improving communication around money.
3. Create regular check-ins: Schedule regular times to talk about finances. These meetings don’t have to be long or formal, but they can help you stay accountable and aligned.
4. Seek professional help if needed: If the issue feels too big to handle on your own, consider working with a financial advisor or couples therapist. A neutral third party can help facilitate productive conversations and provide guidance.

Compassion and Perspective

It’s worth remembering that financial secrecy doesn’t make you a bad person. It simply highlights an area in your relationship that needs attention. Everyone makes mistakes, and what matters most is how you address them. By taking responsibility, being honest, and working together with your spouse, you can turn this challenge into an opportunity for growth.

Finally, don’t forget to extend compassion to yourself. Change takes time, and it’s okay to feel nervous or unsure along the way. The important thing is that you’re taking steps to rebuild trust and strengthen your relationship.

If you’d like more guidance, please don’t hesitate to reach out. Financial issues can feel overwhelming, but you don’t have to face them alone. Wishing you courage and clarity as you take the next steps forward.

Warm regards,

Couples Counseling Staff