Sex is all around us. Well, for some, all around everything except their relationships. Is this you?
By: Dr. Tyler Fortman
Sometimes satisfying sex seems out of reach in relationships. People often attribute this to not being pretty our handsome enough. It’s likely that you’re every bit as attractive as your partner. That’s because we engage in assortative mating. In other words, we find mates that are similar in physical attractiveness to us (the exception is when romantic relationships develop after a long history of friendship).
Not only that, you don’t have to be a “10” to be attractive. In her book, The Social Psychology of Attraction and Romantic Relationships, Madeleine Fugere reports that you only have to be moderately attractive to be attractive to most of the population. Since you found yourself in a relationship with this person, it’s likely that your physicality isn’t responsible for your lack of satisfaction sexually. Feeling like you have to change your looks to have satisfying sex with your partner is misguided. Instead, consider these 7 tips.
1. Touch More
Physical affection is crucial in relationships. By cuddling, kissing, holding hands, and hugging you build the emotional bond between you and your partner. Your brain actually releases Oxytocin which facilitates this bond and reduces stress and tension.
Touching also stimulates your brain to want more touching, and even, sex. Unfortunately, couples that have been in their relationship for a long-time often touch less. So, although it’s easy to stop holding hands walking through Lakeview or cuddling after dinner, it’s crucial to the bond in your relationship, releasing the stress of your day, and your sex life.
2. “Listen” to your partner
We are biologically programmed to have sex. In other words, your body is built to have sex. But because our associations to sex have become very external (e.g., outside ourselves in the media, entertainment, and advertising) we sometimes forget that the best teacher of “better sex” is our very own bodies.
Pay careful attention to your partner’s body. What happens to their breathing when you touch them in a certain way? How is their heart rate impacted by that kiss? What do you hear? Using this form of “listening” the greatest expert on your partner will guide you.
Don’t stop there though. Actually ask your partner, “What makes you feel good sexually?” By asking how you can better satisfy your partner you communicate an interest in their pleasure, which builds the bond in your relationship, and also learn exactly what works for them. You may even try asking your partner to touch you in the way that they would like to be touched. This can help you understand how much pressure, speed, and stimulation is right for them.
3. Listen to your body
Just like your partner’s body is the best expert on their satisfaction, your body will tell you exactly what you need sexually too. Mindfully “listen” to it. If you’re struggling, try developing a daily mindfulness practice. Work on body focused meditations and your can strengthen your attention to your body and its responses.
Use education to cognitively understand your body better too. You may think you know the physiology of your body, but unless you’re an OBGYN or specialist in the human sexual anatomy, there is probably more to learn. If you are shy, you can do this with any of a number of books. Or, consider one of the educational workshops at Andersonville’s Early to Bed sex toy store.
And, just like when trying to listen to a teacher or a non-sexual conversation, the more relaxed you feel, the more able you are to hear the meaning of what’s being communicated. Relax together with your partner using deep breathing exercises.
4. Strengthen your communication
You might be thinking (correctly) that this could improve every part of your relationship. Well, that’s fair. But what should be very clear is that healthy sex lives include conversations about sex. What’s working? What’s not? To make it feel less uncomfortable, suggest that you are your partner have a reoccuring State of Our Sex Life conversation.
Additionally, consider using sensate focus techniques. These techniques, commonly prescribed by sex therapists, reduce the perception that the touching is “high stakes” and, instead, focus the attention on the physical feelings that arise. In this way, you and your partner can talk about what certain touches feel like without the anxiety and anticipation of what is next.
If you’re struggling with communication, talking about sex can be especially hard. Consider if couples therapy could help your sex life.
5. Take Risks
If sex in your relationship has lost its novelty, you aren’t alone. The emotions that arise from novelty are powerful and can change the experience. However, you can introduce novelty into your sex life if you’re willing to take risks.
Obviously, taking risks requires a significant amount of trust. Some of us struggle with trust in all relationships, so naturally this manifests in our most intimate relationship. Make sure your working toward trust both in your relationship and other areas of your life.
Then, start with small risks that seem manageable. For example, share fantasies with your partner. This could be as simple as disclosing when a movie scene makes you feel frisky. Or, take a bigger risk, and share your sex dreams or even lifelong sexual fantasies. Trying different locations and positions can keep things interesting and everyone excited as well. Further, it can also lead to discoveries about each other’s bodies and the best way to stimulate each other.
Or, introduce sex toys (and more or different lubrication, which can often ameliorate physical pain experienced during sex). Sometimes simply introducing toys into your sex life can open up communication, help you learn your body and your partner’s body, and also keep things novel and exciting.
6. Repair Ruptures
Has there been infidelity in your relationship? If so, it’s highly likely that it’s impacting sex within your relationship. Talk to each other about how sex within the relationship has changed for you since the infidelity. Your needs and wants may be different right now and that’s okay. If your relationship hasn’t healed from the infidelity you certainly won’t have the trust that’s required for a satisfying sexual relationship.
Other ruptures, (such as name calling or past criticism) impair trust as well. Make sure you are repairing the past, with each other or a Chicago couples counselor, to set the yourselves up for great sex.
7. Be Patient
Patience is required with your own body, with your partner’s body, and with your schedules. It’s perfectly normal for physiological sexual responses to slow down as you age. Actually, as we age we require greater time for arousal and greater time to reach orgasm (As an aside, doing Kegel exercises can help maintain sexual function.). Not to mention, our schedules get busier! This is why patience is needed.
Set aside time in your schedule for your relationship and sex. Expect that it will take longer and remind yourself that is okay. The quickie of your 20’s might be gone; but look at the bright side, you now get to spend more time engaging in sex!
Sex is complicated and, without effort, can become unsatisfying in relationships. Make the commitment to build your sexual relationship just as you would other parts of your relationship. And if you get stuck, seek help!
