By: Alan Tsang, MA, LPC, NCC
Have you ever just sat there and thought about an ex? What happens when memories of a former lover cloud your feelings of enjoyment during a night out in West Loop? Do you ever wake up from dreaming about a past relationship? If even one of these answers are “yes”, you are not alone.
I’ve heard of many different answers when this topic comes up, both in my personal life and professional life. The next question usually becomes, “What the heck do I do?”
Break ups aren’t easy. It might feel like you’re in a chapter of vulnerability after the relationship ends. You’ve essentially lost something in your life. There becomes a sort of push and pull effect where a former relationship might look pretty desirable in that moment. Or, you can’t stop focusing on their flaws.
Admittedly, this can be a scary experience because we’re just not sure how to move past the relationship. I like to think that this part of the break up is like rowing a boat made for two people, but it’s just you on the boat.
I imagine there are many stories about the one that got away, the one that just didn’t work out, or even the one we thought was the one. Whichever it was, it’s likely that even after the relationship ends that you’d be in each other’s thoughts and dreams. Every emotion felt is valid simply because your ex was such a big part of your life!
Other professionals have also noted that after a break up, your body can go through symptoms similar to withdrawal because you are both physically and emotionally missing that piece of your life.
Getting over a relationship takes time. It’s normal if you think about particular things related to your ex. Some people might notice memories surfacing at a particular point in time after a relationship; and others might have a hard time just getting them out of their heads. There’s a few reasons that can explain that:
1 The person simply isn’t around anymore. The dynamics in your life are different now. What was once constant interaction with your partner doesn’t happen anymore, and you miss that. There might be particular things that you miss about that partner like leaving the cupboard open or misplacing their keys.
Not being able to notice that behavior or have that level of contact creates a void that you try to fill with something. Sure, you might be able to send texts to them again in the future, but not as often. The hardest part here is finding that right amount of space needed to grieve the romantic relationship, coming to terms with the breakup.
2 Some moments or things in your life right now might remind you deeply of your relationship. This can be any number of things, like some furniture you bought together or passing by a restaurant you went on a date with.
Basically, you miss the good times, and the times associated with your former relationship. This lets you know that not every part of the relationship was bad, there were good times too. It’ll happen less and less with time given to grieve, but it’s okay to think about the happy experiences you shared together.
3 A break up is the loss of a friendship. You’re not just losing a romantic partner, you lose your best friend too. That kind of loss can lead you to miss your ex even more. Of course, like I said, you can rekindle that friendship eventually. But it will take time for that grieving to get to a comfortable place both for you and your former relationship.
4 You had a plan in your mind with this significant other. Losing a relationship can mean there is a blurry vision for what your future has in store now. Maybe you had plans to get an apartment together, or you shared similar goals together. Whatever that vision might have been, it’s difficult for a lot of us to think about what that can look like after a break up.
5 There can be new “first experiences” after a break up that remind you of your ex and that relationship. Maybe it’s the first time traveling by yourself since the break up, or the first holiday you had with people you know besides your ex.
Whatever the case may be, going into these experiences without your partner can remind you of the times you did spend with them for a similar event. The current experiences can spark a memory in your brain of a time you had fun doing something similar with them.
Navigating through the end of a relationship can be emotionally difficult. It isn’t going to be all bad or all good. Every memory can be a cherished one. Having thoughts about your ex can be a positive experience too!
If you need a safe space to process the emotions of a relationship ending, individual counseling can be an amazing tool for you to process your experiences. I would definitely encourage you to contact us through our confidential note or by calling us at 773.528.1777 if you believe you are stuck processing the ending of a previous chapter in your life.
We can help you navigate through your feelings of being stuck in a recent relationship and help you discover what your strengths are, and how you can be aware of what you are feeling given your experiences. Thanks for stopping in!
