Loving Someone Who Was Sexually Abused
By: Bill Farrand
If you are in a relationship with a man who was sexually abused as a child, you are probably very familiar with the many ways it impacts him, such as mood swings, avoidant behaviors, and hyper-vigilance– to name only a few. However, in the context of your relationship, it is important for you to avoid the generalization of all of the issues in your relationship through the lens of his childhood sexual abuse. This is a topic that comes up from time to time in my work as a counselor and so I thought it might be helpful to talk about it here.
Romantic partnerships don’t come with an instruction manual. A happy relationship is usually the product of two people who manage to survive a complicated dance of negotiation, compromise and adjustment. The same methods you have found to be successful in resolving other challenges in your relationship will also be useful in coping with issues that are specifically related to his abuse experience and it is likely that you already have some experience in using these skills.
Couples in which one of the partners has been sexually abused report common experiences in their relationships, which can be distressing, but fortunately they also report some tools that have been helpful in getting through them:
1 Variability in how close they feel
Often the partner who experienced the abuse will alternate between seeking attention and intimacy, with creating distance between the themselves and their partner. This behavior is usually an attempt to mitigate the negative effects on their partner of their own mood swings, anxiety, and inability to communicate their feelings in a healthy way.
In these instances, try to remember that in all romantic partnerships, there are times when the couple feels very close, and other times when some distance can be good for the relationship. During such times, try to find a way to check in with him that does not apply additional pressure.
This can be difficult, but try to keep in mind that, even though it affects you, what he is going through is not about you. Keep productive communication active, but be ready to utilize “time-outs” if conflict escalates or becomes too distressing. You can come back to discuss the topic when both of you have been able to gain some perspective.
2 Troubling behavior
Many male survivors have developed coping mechanisms that help to keep the distress of the abuse at bay, and those can play out in the context of your relationship. This often takes the form of self-medication through alcohol and other substances, workaholism, or compulsive sexual behaviors.
Although you love him, it is not your responsibility to “fix” him (nor are you required to enable the troubling behaviors), but you can encourage alternate activities that are healthier for both him and your relationship.
It is also important that you seek the support YOU need for dealing with the effects of his abuse experience. Often it is during these most challenging times that people discover what it is that they truly value in a relationship (and therefore need from their partner). This can be a time for you to discuss how you are working toward a shared vision for your future.
If he has difficulty changing these behaviors, remember that it does not have anything to do with how much he cares about you. Rather, this is his way of turning off overwhelming thoughts and feelings You don’t have to like it, but you can at least recognize it for what it is.
3 Toxic Shame
Shame is very much like a mushroom — it thrives in the dark. His sense of shame (also maybe even your own) about the abuse experience, its effects, and concerns over the reactions of others may all contribute to creating a significant barrier in your communication with each other.
The male survivor of sexual abuse is often plagued with insecurities about masculinity and what it means “to be a man,” often including “soldiering through” his own internal struggles, which in turn intensifies his sense of shame. This is often exacerbated by societal homophobia — particularly when the perpetrator was male, although these issues of identity can still surface regardless of the abuser’s gender.
To help with this, make sure you have access to accurate information and never deny, nor avoid his shame or its impact on you. Put the shame back where it belongs when you discuss it– squarely on the perpetrator.
If you feel stuck in working through the shame, it can be helpful to give yourself a break from it — then revisit it in the context of whether or not holding onto shame is working for either of you, and/or the relationship. With the answer all but certainly being “no,” you may then find more effective ways in which you can let it go.
4 Re-enactment of trauma in the relationship
Some of the behaviors that result from the abuse (such as mistrust, avoidance, irrational fearfulness for their own safety or the safety of their loved ones) often can manifest themselves in the relationship.
One direct result of sexual abuse is often being overly protective of one’s partner or children, frequently to the point at which it can seem controlling or manipulative.
Summing Things Up
Bearing in mind that these traits are a response to the trauma — and in that context may have an internal logic —, can give you some valuable perspective, helping you better understand how you might help in decreasing his distress. Discussing these behaviors and understanding them in context of the abuse experience can set the stage for meaningful change.
Just as these habits were developed over time, new and more productive coping strategies can be encouraged, but will in turn also take time to develop.
A great book that may be helpful in more deeply understanding the effects of childhood sexual abuse on your relationship is Survivors & Partners: Healing the Relationships of Sexual Abuse Survivors by Paul A. Hansen, PhD.
If you would like to talk about your own struggles about being in a relationship with a man who was sexually abused, please contact me by sending a confidential note through our online contact form here at CCC. You can also call 773.598.7797.
I hope you found the material presented in this post useful. Thanks for visiting the Couples Counseling Center in Chicago online!
