Long Term Relationship Tips
By: Couples Counseling Staff
Perhaps Shakespeare himself said it best when he penned the line: The Course of true love never did run smooth. No matter how hot the fire burns and how alive the passion is between two people when they first embark on a lifelong journey together, eventually, there will be a day when there are bumps in the road.
One of those big bumps is often figuring out how on earth to keep those dying embers of the love you once shared with your partner from burning completely out. Over the years as life seasons change, it is so easy to fall into the routine of being partners that you may start to feel like you are sharing your life with a friend–or even someone you really don’t care to be around–instead of your lover.
1. Learn to respect one another as individuals
Even though a union, with or without marriage, may be about trying to live by one accord, it is always important to recognize that no two people are never going to be exactly alike. Learn how to accept your partner for their individualities. This means listening to them and understanding their uniqueness.
At the onset of a relationship when sparks are flying, it is easy to just agree with everything and see things from the perspective of the one you hold so dear. But, as time passes, those differences that seemed minuscule in the beginning can start to seem like huge variants.
To keep the love alive, you have to learn to take differences in stride and acknowledge the goodness of both ways of thinking and achieving things.
2. Don’t forget the founding elements of your relationship
There was a reason why you were initially attracted to your partner, even if you have lost track of what it was along the way. Keeping the sparks alive is sometimes about remembering the fundamentals and founding elements of the beginning phases of attraction. Was it the way he made you laugh and feel secure?
The way she made you feel like the only man alive? The fact that you shared so many of the same interests, laughed at the same jokes, or held the same values of life as important? These things are the building blocks of a sturdy and stable relationship, but if they are forgotten, the foundation of your togetherness can feel shaken, less interesting, and questionable.
It is that crumbling foundation that drives so many people to couples therapy in the first place.
3. Never stop making new memories together
That annual visit to the restaurant where he proposed or that occasional drive by the first place you shared may help keep old memories of your beginning love alive, but you should never stop trying to create new and everlasting memories together.
According to some studies, couples who feel bored in their relationship tend to feel the most emotional separation. Love and an emotional connection go hand-in-hand, so get out, make new memories, have fun together, and keep the excitement alive by going beyond the usual routines that are easy to fall into after a lot of time together.
4. Find common ground which you both can enjoy
Some studies suggest that the happiest couples have common interests and goals that they never lose sight of over the years. However, with changes in time and personal development, those common grounds you once shared may start to wane.
Keep sparks burning by always looking for new ways you can enjoy life as a couple equally. Work together to create a joint bucket list, plan a project that you are both passionate about, and even find small activities that make you both happy, such as eating at a new favorite place or volunteering within the community together.
When you share traits, even common-enjoyed activities, your love will be more sustainable over time.
5. Never lose track of your own self-happiness
You can never truly make another person happy until you are happy with yourself. Part of keeping your own happiness in check is fostering that need for self-fulfillment that tends to get pushed aside in long-term relationships. It is easy to get caught up in only making your significant other happy and forget who you want to be.
By doing this, it creates an uneven balance and maybe even feelings of self-doubt. It is so much easier for a couple to be happy together if each of you is happy on your own just the same.
You don’t have to share the same friends, like all of the same things, or do everything together. Take some time out for just you and it can put your feelings toward another person into perspective. A true mate will not abandon you for being independent.
6. Get up close and personal–even if it’s just for a few minutes
Between work, kids, school, the broken sink, the demanding schedule, and whatever else life has in store, it is easy to sideline one of the most important aspects of nurturing the sparks in a relationship: physical closeness.
Even though couples with an active sex life seem to be happier, just enjoying some up-close-and-personal time with your partner can encourage you both to focus more on each other and how much you enjoy physical connection.
Take a time out at the end of the day to cuddle up on the couch, hold hands while you ride together in the car, or even just pause when you get ready to leave in the morning for a lingering hug.
7. Make love a priority every day in your relationship
It sounds like something you would get from a cheap therapy session, but the truth is, maintaining sparks often boils down to this one final rule. Every day should have the primary goal of keeping the love with your partner alive. This can sometimes mean tuning out the distractions so you can tune into your mate.
Sometimes, it’s those little things that do the trick–the cup of coffee in the morning, the sweet text on a lunch break, a flower picked on the way home. But keeping your love a priority every day is also about making sacrifices for the benefit of your partner, sharing household chores so you can both go to bed at the same time, or even expressing to your friends how much he or she means to you.
Final Thoughts
Building and maintaining a successful relationship for the long term requires effort of both parties. One book we recommend to couples related to this topic is: How to be an adult in relationships by David Richo.
What we like about this read is the author’s practical approach to relationship challenges. Inside, you will learn about how to improve a relationship that may be in trouble. You’ll also discover several mindful approaches to loving. The advice is direct, informative and concrete.
Thanks for visiting the Couples Counseling Center in Chicago! We hope you found this post on long term relationships helpful.