Men and Showing Up for Relationships

If you’re a man in a relationship, there’s a good chance you’ve been there: your partner shares something that’s been bothering them, and your first instinct is to jump in with a solution.

Maybe you offer advice or try to explain how they could look at things differently. It comes from a good place — you care, and you want to help. But instead of feeling supported, your partner seems frustrated or distant. What gives?

This dynamic plays out in so many relationships, especially between men and women. As a couples therapist in Chicago, I see it all the time. The truth is, the instinct to fix things isn’t wrong — it’s just not always what’s needed. Often, what your partner wants most is to feel heard and emotionally connected, not to have their problem solved.

Why Men Default to Fixing

There’s a reason so many men default to fixing. From a young age, boys are often taught to value action, problem-solving, and independence. Emotional support, on the other hand, can feel unfamiliar or even uncomfortable. Many men grow up believing that showing love means doing something tangible — solving problems, providing for the family, or offering advice.

But emotional connection works differently. When your partner opens up about something difficult, what they’re often looking for is someone to simply be with them in their feelings — not to take those feelings away.

What Listening Really Looks Like

Listening might sound simple, but it’s more than just staying quiet while your partner talks. It’s about being present and attuned to what they’re really expressing. Here’s what it might look like:

Make Eye Contact: Put your phone down, turn toward your partner, and really look at them.
Validate Their Feelings: Phrases like “That sounds really hard” or “I can see why you’d feel that way” let your partner know their feelings make sense.
Ask Questions (Without an Agenda): Try saying, “Can you tell me more about that?” instead of jumping to solutions.
Resist the Urge to Fix: If you’re not sure what your partner needs, it’s okay to ask: “Do you want advice, or would it help if I just listened right now?”
Reflect What You Hear: Repeat back what you’re hearing to show you’re truly listening. “It sounds like you’re feeling overwhelmed at work and worried about how it’s affecting everything else. Did I get that right?”

Why Listening Builds Connection

When you slow down and really listen, you’re sending a powerful message: “Your feelings matter to me.” That kind of emotional presence creates safety and trust — two essential ingredients for a strong relationship. Some refer to this as active listening (see our active listening skills post).

Over time, practicing this kind of listening helps your partner feel less alone in what they’re going through. It also opens the door for more vulnerability and emotional intimacy, which makes the relationship feel deeper and more connected for both of you.

If Listening Feels Uncomfortable, You’re Not Alone

If you’re reading this and thinking, “I want to do this, but it feels really hard,” that’s completely normal. Many men tell me that listening without fixing makes them feel helpless — like they’re not doing enough to help their partner.

Here’s the secret: being emotionally present is doing something. It’s often the very thing your partner needs most.

It’s also worth noticing if discomfort around emotions comes from how you were raised. If you grew up in an environment where emotions weren’t talked about or were seen as a sign of weakness, learning to show up emotionally will take time. That’s okay. Emotional presence is a skill — and like any skill, it gets easier with practice.

Small Shifts Make a Big Difference

You don’t have to become a perfect listener overnight. Start small:

Pause before offering advice and ask, “Do you want to vent, or are you looking for ideas?”
If you’re not sure what to say, try, “I’m really glad you told me that.”
Notice what happens when you give your partner your full attention, even for just a few minutes.

When to Seek Support

If listening feels especially difficult or unfamiliar, couples therapy can be a great place to practice these skills. In sessions, I often help men slow down, notice their own emotional reactions, and learn how to show up in a way that feels both supportive and authentic.

The goal isn’t to turn you into someone you’re not — it’s to help you access parts of yourself that might have been buried or overlooked along the way.

Final Thoughts

Moving from fixer to listener isn’t about giving up who you are — it’s about expanding the ways you show love and support. When you trade quick solutions for emotional presence, you’re not just helping your partner — you’re strengthening your whole relationship.

If you’re ready to work on showing up emotionally in your relationship, therapy can help you build the tools to connect in a deeper way. Whether you’re navigating conflict, struggling with communication, or just wanting to feel closer, you’re not alone in this work.

Showing up emotionally isn’t always easy — but it’s one of the most powerful ways to create the kind of relationship where both partners feel truly seen and supported.