Household, Finances and Love
By: Couples Counseling Staff
According to the Chicago Metropolitan Agency for Planning, more than 50% of Lakeview residents live in a dual-income household. In my work as a counselor, I often work with couples, families, and individuals who express wanting equality in the household in terms of how the rent or mortgage payments are being split, with each member of their household paying an equal share.
While I should make it very clear that I am not a financial planner and that the following is not financial advice, I do want to encourage folks within multiple income households to think about the emotional and equitable side of household finances. In your next household finances discussion, try considering the following points:
1. Have regular discussions around household finances. Household finances and budgeting conversations can bring up a good deal of anxiety for some people. Because anxiety is often risk-averse, anxiety can tell us to not have an important conversation because it doesn’t want to risk the conversation going poorly. Unfortunately, if we are avoiding a conversation because of the risk associated with it, we are also inadvertently avoiding the possible rewards that could come from a difficult conversation. My recommendation for having hard conversations is to schedule them. When we schedule hard conversations, we have the time to prepare for them and in some ways also take the power away from them because we are taking out the ambiguity of when the conversation will come up.
This can be especially helpful with financial conversations because finances are often fluid and fluctuating depending on the economy, our income, and the priorities of our household. For example, for a family of 4 with 2 school-aged children, the money spent on entertainment will likely be much different depending on the time of year. By having regular, scheduled conversations around money, we can manage our anxiety and plan for the fluid needs of the household.
2. Financial planning is logistical and Because of the way our economy is structured, money can be a deeply triggering topic for some, especially those who have not always had access to their basic needs because of their inability to pay. From the housing crisis, to general socioeconomic inequality, to COVID, many people have had to face the reality of poverty and loss of resources, healthcare, and housing.
Generational trauma can also play a huge role in how we view money due to how our households were structured growing up. This could lead to some folks wanting to spend money when they have it or creating an emergency fund or keeping a certain amount of cash on-hand or in a personal account. It can be important to acknowledge what money has meant to us emotionally in conversations around household finances because our emotional response can impact what we decide to value.
Related: Independent or avoidant?
3. Household labor costs money. I often hear parents who work and take on a majority of the household labor talk about what it would be like to be a single parent. The implication here is that their partner might make more money and they’re not sure what they would do if they had to maintain the household labor and work enough to earn their partner’s income. This can be even more stressful when we think about the impact intersections of identity have on being paid fairly in the workplace.
I think it can also be important for partners who have a higher income to ask themselves the same question – what would you do if you were a single parent? Would you need to hire a housekeeper or a nanny? Would you need to pay for daycare or for groceries to be delivered? As a former nanny myself – the answer is yes, household labor is labor and if it is outsourced from the parent, it costs money. In some cases household labor can be split evenly, but often this is not the case often for practical realities outside of the control of the family members. In the cases where it is not, it can be helpful to think about the kind of value household labor is bringing into the budget and how it could be compensated either with money or via other means.
4. Equality isn’t always equitable. Often we see households with multiple adults where equality in household labor is championed. Unfortunately, equality isn’t always equitable to the needs and abilities of people within the household. For example, one household member might have more free time than the other. If both household members are expected to do the same amount of errand-running, this is going to burden one member of the household more than the other because of their limitations of free time. Additionally, we might not have the same perspective on household labor and we may have different capacities for different things.
One person might like to plan while the other is more comfortable with spontaneous to-dos and the other might enjoy setting up recurring household systems. One person might like to do the daily tasks and the other might like to do more deep-cleaning once a month. Figuring out what works for your household and its members in an equitable way might not result in equal labor on paper, but it might honor the different capacities and interests of the household members.
5. Money has different value to different people. Some families might value spending for convenience and others might value saving and do-it-yourself projects. One member of the family might value spending on daily self-care practices and the other might value saving for a yearly vacation. When we talk about household finances and labor, we also want to talk about the kind of value money has for each household member.
This can help us identify the lifestyle we want to plan for and the different things we want to prioritize. This conversation can also help us determine the kind of life changes or support we might need. For example, are we spending more money on food than we have the means to? If so, do we qualify for community aid or SNAP benefits? Does it make sense to take a pay cut for a work environment that is more conducive to your life values? Or do we value making money in our work life and finding outlets to support our values elsewhere?
Do I need to buy a new ladder or could I ask my neighbor to borrow hers? When we clarify our individual and household values, we can create a plan and budget that reflects where we would like to spend our resources.
