Money, relationships and stress
By: Costa Provis, LCPC, CPC
There are a lot of articles out there discussing the various stressors that money can create in relationships. In fact, during my work as a couples therapist in the Lakeview area of Chicago, I have heard countless tales about ‘fighting’ over money, and it probably comes as no surprise that finances tend to be one of the most frequent problems couples face. In the most general sense, a lot of money problems are less about money itself, and more about the meaning we all assign to it.
Typically, the real issue when it comes to money is that it highlights the individual differences within a duo; your different values, interests, hobbies, activities, preferences, and that’s just the start of it. When these differences come up, it’s often after spending has taken place, and can easily become a bad cycle of being triggered by your partner’s spending and having a negative response.
Couples will often report this to be a “money” problem, but really it’s just as much a disconnection or misalignment problem. After all, it isn’t always easy for two people to agree about how to spend money, what to prioritize, and what the future may hold.
Instead of focusing on all the various ways money can become an issue in your relationship, I would like to focus more on a few simple ways to help prevent these kinds of money troubles from happening in the first place. As with most challenges you will face in your relationship, it is absolutely imperative that you face the topic of finances as a team with a unified front.
That doesn’t necessarily mean you have to join all your funds and accounts (although this does tend to be helpful because sharing money in this way could help to assure more transparency and ongoing conversation) but figuring out a unified and connected approach you can agree upon.
Here are three steps that will tremendously help you to avoid the money pitfalls in your relationship:
Step One: Evaluate your current spending. I think it is always best to begin the ‘money talk’ by first evaluating your current lifestyle choices. This does not automatically mean cutting back on spending, but by starting out with an honest reflection about your life style choices and the way you spend money. Talk about your observations with your partner, and consider how you would like to prioritize your spending. What role do things like fun, entertainment, and dining out play in your life? Are there ways you could change some of these choices without a major sacrifice in quality of life? For example, many of the clients I work with choose to swap a night out at a restaurant with a night at home making dinner together and saving a bit of money along the way. By simply starting to think about finances a little bit differently, and evaluating the current spending habits in your life, you are already beginning the journey of improving your relationship.
Step Two: Plan ahead. This might seem obvious, but it’s all too common that people make assumptions and come to their own conclusions about money, never talking about these ideas. Often it seems easier to avoid potential disagreement and conflict by just not talking about spending ahead of time. I think it is always important to use proactive communication in relationships, but this may be most important when dealing with finances. Having a joined plan, with common goals, that you have both agreed upon is extremely helpful for a variety of reasons (like building and maintaining trust and respect with your partner, for instance). Once you align your expectations about savings, dealing with debt, planning for retirement, if you’ll have children, etc. it will be much easier to work towards these common goals as a team working together. Doesn’t this sound way better than dealing with money issues as adversaries battling about unmet expectations while experiencing the letdowns that usually follow? Aligned expectations equal less disappointment and frustration down the line, and what could be better for your relationship than that?
Step three: Keep the lines of communication wide open. You and your partner are now well on your way to avoiding money pitfalls in your relationship, but just because you came up with a plan does not mean that you have to be limited to your first draft. I typically suggest trying your first draft plan for a month or two in order to give yourselves time to adjust to the new changes, then re-evaluate your finances once again. Plan to sit down and talk about how things are going every month or so (or more often if needed) and make tweaks to the plan as necessary, always considering your priorities and compromising as you go. I know it can be scary but if you can remain transparent and honest you are way more likely to find good compromises that actually make you both happy and not harbor any hard feelings towards each other.
In conclusion: Finances tend to be very high on the list of things people have conflict over in their relationships. There are many ways to get into relationship stress regarding money and spending, but remember that by evaluating your current spending habits & priorities, then planning ahead together, and keeping communication open & ongoing, you will avoid a lot of the relationship pitfalls that money can create. And wouldn’t you agree that having less pitfalls will bring more joy and harmony to your relationship and life? If so, please don’t put off the ‘money talk’ any longer, and if you have a difficult time staying connected through this process please don’t hesitate to sit down with a counselor to help guide you through the journey.
