By: Alan Tsang, MA, LPC, NCC
In a time when most of what we think about in Chicago is the health and safety of everyone around us, there is also that sliver that longs to resume normalcy in some way, shape, or form. Many of us in relationships trying to navigate through a pandemic (Heilbrun, 2020) might have been considering moving in with our partners, but do not know how to approach it.
Some of us might have familial obligations or cultural traditions that tell us not to move in with your partner until marriage; while others might be more flexible. Either way, moving in with your romantic partner is a big life transition.
It’s almost uncommon now to find a couple who isn’t living together prior to marriage (Caraballo, 2018). Smith (2019) cites a 2015 report that indicated the number of young and middle-aged couples living together before marriage has doubled within the past 25 years; with an estimated nearly 8 million couples living in the same household, on a grander scale (Caraballo, 2018). While this can be an anxiety-provoking thought, it can also be an exciting thing to experience.
So how do we approach this nerve-wrecking issue with our significant other?
1. Intentionality
According to other professionals, putting some intent towards the time you spend with your partner can be something to be mindful of when we move in (Zencare, 2018). While we’ve spent a majority of dating in small bits and pieces, giving ourselves personal time after a date, moving in would mean that we have more of each other to see. Part of this might mean that we become comfortable with each other. Zencare (2018) notes a common misconception of casual living time being similar to quality time.
What does that intentionality really look like though? Perhaps it can be something like continuing to go on dates. While I would normally suggest dinner and a movie, date night can also consist of something improvised like dinner in your patio or backyard. Something to show your ever growing affection and effort towards your significant other can go a long way to living together fun.
2. Collaboration
Moving in together with your partner not only means sharing a space with them, like roommates. It also means putting in that time and effort to work together and build the space up. Trusting your partner’s thoughts and validating their opinions can be worthwhile to working together as a couple. Having that lack of trust (Tsang, 2020) takes us away from the shared work of being in a relationship.
Caraballo (2018) mentions having the use of compromise along with the collaboration. This would mean putting the focus less on yourself and what you want in a home, but also what works for both of you. Likewise, Smith (2019) also addresses the need to collaborate on how to build a home together focusing on important details such as holidays, varying cultures, and small details such as shoes “on or off” at the front door. While having these discussions is important, they can also inspire positive experiences and conversations you may not have known about each other (Tietjen, 2019).
3. Open Communication
Part of this relates to addressing the small things that we begin to notice about our partners. When we begin to live with each other as a couple, chances are, we’d start to also notice small habits that we never knew the other had. It’s important to address these things that might bother you before the issue festers. Open communication and vulnerability (Smith, 2019) means being able to talk about the things we notice and for us on the receiving end to have an open mind about why this might be an issue.
The other part of this relates to addressing issues in general without delaying it for too long. Many times, couples will push discussions to the side because there is a “bigger issue” that needs tending to. While this is valid, it’s also important to note that the more we think about something that bothers us, the more our emotions will heighten and our minds begin to spiral through more disagreements that have happened. Addressing the issue by stating your facts (Tietien, 2019) and how it made everyone feel can be helpful in easing the tensions of living together for the first time.
4. Roles / Chores
When discussing living with your significant other, it is important to practice the ideas mentioned previously. Consider that it is also important to discuss the practicality and practice of splitting chores or specific roles both parties have in the household (Smith, 2019). Having a conversation about the needs of the household and who gets to take care of tasks such as dishes, laundry, or even vacuuming can be daunting. It is suggested that one party might have different comfort levels about specific tasks than the other; rather than assignment of specific roles (Smith, 2019). It seems important then, to talk with your partner about what chores would look like openly.
Similarly, perhaps there are implicit roles that we put on ourselves such as emotional support. Living together would likely imply that we are able to pick up on specific cues from our partner that let us know something is wrong. How would we know if our partner is frustrated? What happens when our partner says they need space? Implicit roles such as support can be more flexible as this particular role can depend on the situation.
Being able to move in with your partner can be both a scary and exciting experience. There can be much to focus on and be intentional about (Zencare, 2018). Taking the time to have discussions about what living together looks like can be helpful in more ways than one.
If you are having concerns about making this new life stage transition, I would encourage you to reach out to us. Moving living spaces is no easy task; and moving with your partner can be just as difficult, if not more! We can be reached through our contact form or by phone at 773.528.1777. Thanks for stopping by!
—
References
Caraballo, J. (2018, October 3). A therapist’s guide to cohabitation. Talk Space. https://www.talkspace.com/blog/therapists-guide-to-cohabitation/
Heilbrun, A. (2020, August 5). 7 tips for navigating relationships during quarantine. Couples Counseling Chicago. https://www.couplescounselingchicago.net/relationships-quarantine/
Smith, E.W. (2019, May 8). 9 foolproof ways to make moving in with a partner not a disaster. Refinery 29. https://www.refinery29.com/en-us/moving-in-together-checklist
Tietjen, K. (2019, July 22). Moving in with your significant other? These therapist-approved tips will make the transition easier. The Zoe Report. https://www.thezoereport.com/p/moving-in-with-your-significant-other-these-therapist-approved-tips-will-make-the-transition-easier-18218029
Tsang, A. (2020, March 7). 5 signs you have trust issues with your partner. Couples Counseling Chicago. https://www.couplescounselingchicago.net/trust-issues/
Zencare Team. (2018). 3 tips from couples counselors on moving in with your partner. Zencare. https://blog.zencare.co/moving-in-together-tips-counselors/
