Boyfriend Doesn’t Want to Have Sex
By Couples Counseling Staff
Have you recently started noticing that you boyfriend doesn’t want to have sex? Has there been a shift in his bedroom behaviors that makes you wonder if he’s cheating? Does his apparent lack of interest in your body make you feel unattractive, fat or maybe even ugly?
If you answered yes to any of these questions, you aren’t alone. Many people – meaning women and men – who are involved in a committed relationship with a man bring up changes in sexual behaviors as part of intimacy based couples counseling.
In fact, it is one of the primary reasons we receive calls for therapy here at Couples Counseling Center in Chicago.
To keep it real, sensing your boyfriend doesn’t want to have sex with you can be very disturbing. This is particularly true if he keeps pushing you away like a plate of unwanted food. The same holds true if he seems disconnected from physical intimacy or makes it feel like he’s just going through the motions.
Boyfriend Doesn’t Want Sex Issues
Here at the Center, we recently explored the topic of boyfriends not wanting to have sex during a clinical staff meeting. Each of our counselor’s offered a list of common reasons they have run across as part of their work as relationship specialists.
And so what follows are 10 possibilities that may answer your question: Why doesn’t my boyfriend want to have sex?
FYI: Some of the reasons listed below may obvious while others will cause you to pause and reflect. We encourage you to read them all to help contextualize their deeper meaning.
Are you ready? Let’s jump right in!
1. Bedroom Boredom
Yep – this is perhaps one of the primary reasons that guys start to lose interest in sex with a mate. This is particularly true in longer term relationships (3+ years).
It is important to state here that almost all couples experience ebbs and flows in physical closeness. And the intensity of sex will no doubt be different during year one when compared to year two, three and beyond.
There are practical things you can do in this area to increase intimacy, including changing your approach to closeness.
A great book to consider that offers excellent suggestions on this front is: From the Living Room to the Bedroom by therapists Bill and Ginger Bercaw. Many of our clients have shared that they found the material useful spicing up the sexual dynamic.
As an aside, one of the top reasons couples break up or get divorced is because of bedroom boredom. Be sure to read our post on causes for breakups here.
2. Coming off as clingy
No doubt a difficult to think about but it needs to be mentioned. If you have used sex as a primary way of validating your self-worth to your man, he’s going to pick up on it and not in a good way.
Men (like women) are attracted to people who are confident in who they are and how they appear. If your need for physical intimacy has morphed from a carnal desire to a codependent need, it may cause your boyfriend to feel uncomfortable.
Be sure to read our extensive codependent checklist to find out if clinginess is starting to infect your relational dynamic.
3. A change in your vibe
It’s easy to look at your boyfriend and think the reason he doesn’t want to have sex is because he’s up to something dishonest. But in our experience, major changes in intimacy are more complicated than infidelity. Under this point, we’re talking about the vibe you may be unintentionally be giving off.
Have you been under pressure because of work, finances, family issues or some other reason? If so, is it possible you’ve been less affectionate or available? You may want to meditate on this before arriving at an answer.
If you feel “yes” is a strong possibility, it might be a good time to examine what’s going on inside and consider employing the services of a professional counselor.
4. A potential health condition
Your man’s low libido may have nothing to do with you or the dynamics of your relationship but instead, his health. The potential medical issues that may cause a dip in your guy’s sex drive can run the gambit.
Here, we are talking about things like low testosterone levels to more serious issues, like cardio-vascular problems.
One of the best ways to find out if your boyfriend is experiencing a medical condition is to have him visit his doctor. It is important that he work with a physician he can be open and honest with. This means reporting any changes in his sexual appetite.
5. Depression or anxiety (or both)
Another primary reason that a man will come off as disinterested in sex has to do with his mood. Specifically, we are talking about things like depression or anxiety – or a combo of both.
According to research, nearly 5% of all men suffer from some kind of depression. We believe these numbers are much higher because guys generally don’t like to admit they are dealing with a mental health issue.
If you are wondering if your man is depressed, check out this symptom checklist offered by the National Institute of Mental Health. If you suspect he’s dealing with a case of the blues, you might gently want to discuss this with him and encourage him to seek help.
Depression can be caused by a number of factors, including medical problems. Here at the Center, we encourage our clients to visit with a physician to rule out potential physiological issues.
In the absence such a medical cause, talk therapy, along with medications prescribed by a doctor may be appropriate. This leads us to our next point.
6. Prescription medications
To cut right to the chase, some prescription drugs can cause your guy to demonstrate a lack of interest in sex. There are too many to mention here but common culprits can include certain anti-depressants and anti-anxiety meds.
The good news is that sexual changes caused by prescription drugs are often temporary in nature. This is why it is important for you man to keep the doctor aware of what’s happening – or not happening – in the bedroom.
7. Alcohol abuse
You may be wondering how on earth alcohol can impact your guy’s level of interest in you physically. It’s really very simple – alcohol can impair sexual function, which in turn can cause performance anxiety.
The cruel paradox here is that many men will use alcohol in order to chillax, only to find that problems in the bedroom become even more complicated.
And it is important to state that if your guy is taking prescription drugs, alcohol may be counter-indicated. If it seems like he can’t get “wood” or has troubles ejaculating, alcohol may be part of the problem according to clinical research.
We recognize this is a thorny issue to bring up with your boyfriend however, it’s something that can’t be ignored.
8. Too much “five rosy palm”
Does this sound like a ridiculous reason why your boyfriend won’t have sex with you? Perhaps but here is something to consider. If your man feels his self-release is more intense and more spectacular because of mental fantasies he’s playing in his head, it can impact your bedroom dynamics.
If you are noticing your guy is engaging in a lot of self-stimulation, you may want to have a conversation with him and gently approach the topic. This is particularly important if porn is part of the dynamic.
We encourage you to avoid being accusatory or judgmental. Masturbation is normal and even healthy. It can, however, become problematic when it begins to interfere in your relationship.
Some people find working with a therapist on this front useful with exploring this topic. Just food for thought.
9. He feels unattractive
Believe it or not, men worry about their appearance just as much as women. If your guy has recently put on weight or has started balding, it can have an adverse impact on his self-perception.
The thing to keep in mind about this potential causal reason is this – guys typically don’t like to discuss these kind of issues because they is causes them to feel “weak” or “unmanly”.
One thing you can do is to reassure your guy that you love him. Don’t say something insensitive like, “Hey – you’re getting fat!” Instead, ask him if he feels attractive and see how he responds.
This is yet another topic that may best be addressed with a couples counselor. Why? A therapist can approach this topic objectively create awareness around this issue in a way that you can’t.
10. Physical or emotional cheating (or both)
We reserved this final reason for the end. Ruling out all of the other potential reasons mentioned above, cheating can sometimes be a reason for a lack of sexual interest. A horrible pill to digest but there’s no way to address the topic of sexual disinterest without mentioning.
But how do you know if your guy is stepping out on you? In our experience, it is important to look at the totality of his behaviors in order to have a clearer picture of what may be happening. The operative word is may.
Be sure to read our post on the 10 signs of cheating in men. We encourage you not to jump to conclusions, even after reading this list. Use your intuition and judge the situation based on your relational history.
Final Thoughts
“My boyfriend doesn’t want to have sex with me” really can be a challenging issue to talk about. This is why one on one counseling can be a productive pathway for sharing some of what you are feeling.
If you have arrived at a place where you aren’t sure what’s going on with your man or if his lack of sexual interest is triggering fears of abandonment, counseling may be particularly helpful.
An excellent resource to consider picking up that addresses what we’ve been talking about here is the book, No-Bone Zone: The Ins and Outs of Curing Sexual Boredom by Jason Robillard.
What’s great about this read is the practical, easy to understand information contained inside. The author uses a down to earth, conversational approach to explore a problem that is widely misunderstood and often not discussed.
If you have time, be sure to pop into our relationship bookstore as well for other couples focused books. There’s something for everyone here!
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