My Wife Caught Me Cheating and Wants a Divorce!

We received the following email from a website visitor who told us his wife caught him cheating. We’ve decided to share with our response with his permission. All identifying information has been removed.

“Just before Christmas, my wife caught me cheating. I won’t get into all of the details but I’ve been stepping out on her for the past year with someone. She’s a girl that I have hired for massage that occasionally offers a ‘happy ending’. I live in Chicago and she lives in the suburbs.

Apparently, my wife had been looking at my smart-phone and saw the emails we had been exchanging. I’ve tried to explain to her that it really wasn’t an “affair” like she keeps accusing me of. I mean there is a difference between getting a massage with release and having a full blown relationship with another woman. We became friends – that’s pretty much it.

She doesn’t seem to see the difference or care. All I know is that she wants to split and has started making calls to Chicago divorce lawyers. I’m not sure what to do? I love my wife very much and have never done anything behind her back except this. We’ve been married for just over 5-years. I’m only 36 years old – we don’t even have children yet. Please help!”

Signed,

Mr. Busted

Couples Counseling Center Response

Dear Mr. Busted,

As a group, we discussed your email and decided to offer some thoughts that we hope you will take to heart. Because we don’t know you or the unique dynamics of your relationship, it is hard to offer individual advice so we’re going to keep our commentary as general as possible.

First, if you have been seeing someone outside of your marriage for a massage with a release and your wife doesn’t know about it – you are cheating.

No, it might not be an affair per se’ but your actions certainly constitute a physical betrayal. To a greater or lesser degree, there is also emotional infidelity that has taken place since you report being friendly with the person providing the happy ending.

It was unclear to us if you have apologized for your actions or if you have demonstrated the appropriate amount of remorse? If you haven’t, we encourage you to read this article on getting caught cheating and follow some of the suggestions we’ve made.

What’s clear to us is that your wife seems to be in a place where she wants out of the marriage. This is a common response that many spouses have when they learn their man has been having physical relations with another woman.

One thing we might encourage you to do is to ask your wife if she is open to counseling. If she is, great – you can then begin the process of jointly finding a therapist who specializes in marriage issues.

If she’s not open to therapy, don’t try to push it. Doing so might make matters worse. Plus, when you think about it – would you really want your wife to be part of a process that she’s not into?

On a related note, it might be helpful for both of you to consider counseling as individuals so that each of you have a therapist where you can privately explore your thoughts about the relationship.

One of the myths of marriage is that walking down the aisle someone locks in monogamy. As you and other readers of this website know, that simply isn’t true.

All one has to do is take a look at the current rates of cheating to understand that infidelity is a more common occurrence than one might think. It’s also one of the biggest reasons for divorce.

On a related note, it is important to state here that your wife probably didn’t just randomly catch you cheating. If she is like most women, she likely has a high degree of intuition. In other words, it is possible that she became attuned to your behaviors and noticed certain signs that may have suggested infidelity.

Finally, it is worth asking you what made you seek out the services of someone who offered these types of massages in the first place? Was this something you were actively seeking out and looking for? If the answer is yes – you might want to explore what that’s all about. Has there been boredom in your marriage or a lack of intimacy?

We’re sorry that you and your wife are going through this current situation – truly. But if there is to be healing, you need to take responsibility for your actions. This means showing you are sorry in a sincere and meaningful way.

You should know that issues involving cheating and fears of infidelity are one of the primary reasons that couples seek out therapy in the first place.

If you have time, we encourage you to stop by our couples bookstore to learn examine the different resources available.