New Parents and Young Parents: Tips for Raising Kids!
Chances are you have landed on this page because you are a new parent. And there is a good chance that you are also a young parent, meaning below the age of 30. At Couples Counseling Center, we work with a variety of new parents who are looking for guidance on how to manage the stress that necessarily accompanies being a new mom or dad.
We decided to sit down with an expert on childhood development, families and parenting and spoke with Paul C. Milford, a blogger for one of the world’s premier counseling and psychology websites, Psychcentral.
Milford is a Licensed Social Worker who works with new parents and families around the development of healthy child rearing. He was kind enough to answer a few questions and we are making these available to you with the hope of providing insight.
At the end of the interview, we have provided Paul’s biography as well as a book recommendation for new parents.
Q: What are some of the common stressors you see with parents of a new child?
The biggest stressor I see with new parents is in the transition to the role of “parent.” Every person has a different image of what the expectations of that role are. If parents differ in these expectations, this can cause quite a bit of stress, or even conflict, in the relationship. For example, if a mother expects the father to care for the child when he gets home from work but the father does not share this expectation, this could obviously cause stress.
This is merely one example but differences in parental expectation can arise in a number of ways. The best thing for parents to do is to talk about these expectations before the baby comes. Not doing so invites unneeded stress, resentment, or anger into the relationship.
Another stressor for new parents that arises as part of the transition is that they feel the need to be the “perfect” parent.
In reality, parenting is a huge learning process. You are going to make mistakes and that’s okay, it is just part of the process. No one has it figured out from the beginning. Again, talking about your parental expectations with your partner can help put unrealistically high expectations into perspective.
Q: What are one or two mistakes you see parents making with new children?
Making mistakes is a perfectly normal part of being a new parent. One mistake that can certainly be avoided is failing to ask for advice or support. Reaching out to family and friends when you have questions can help reduce stress and anxiety.
Finding a support or play group for new parents can also be beneficial if you’re feeling stressed.
Because new parents are often sleep-deprived and commit most of their time to caring for their new child, parents sometimes find it hard to find time to care for their own needs or the needs of their partner. This is a natural part of the transition into parenthood – there simply aren’t enough of you to go around! However, a parent who completely abandons his or her own needs is not going to be healthy or happy.
New moms and dads can run on a low battery, but eventually you need to recharge. It’s okay to find some time for yourself or your partner. Letting the dishes or laundry sit for an extra day won’t be the end of the world!
How can a parent best integrate a new baby into a family that already has children?
Welcoming a new baby into a family is an exciting event for the whole family. The best way to prepare children for this is to begin talking with them about it early. You are the expert of your children, so talk to them in a way you know they’ll understand.
Creating an ongoing dialogue about the baby will create a safe space for children to express any questions they have about the baby. Involving children in the preparation is a really great way to get them exciting.
Have them help you pick out clothes, toys, and furnishings for the baby. After the new baby comes, it’s going to be important to maintain the routines of the children in the family as best as possible.
Inconsistent routines or major changes to the children’s daily schedules can result in behavioral reactions or resentment towards the new baby by his or her siblings.
Any thoughts about single moms and children (what special challenges exist) Any Resources?
I have a tremendous amount of respect for single parents. Parenting isn’t easy when you have a partner helping you, so single parents who are able to find the strength to raise children while providing for their family certainly deserve a standing ovation.
From my observations, single parents who have a strong support system (family, friends, neighbors, etc.) are able to manage far easier than those who do not.
My advice for single parents would be to utilize your support system often. If you do not have a strong support system, it’s never too late to start building one. Joining a parenting class, support group, church community, or other local group can provide excellent opportunities to meet others and find support.
There are also many online resources such as blogs, websites, forums and even dating sites all dedicated to providing an online support network for single parents.
How does a parent choose a discipline style?
Choosing a style of discipline for your child is a very important part of parenting. This is something that you and your partner should talk about before your child is old enough to misbehave. Being on the same page with your partner is important, discipline is not going to be very successful when parents disagree on how to punish.
By the age of 3, parents should be explaining to children what the consequence of a specific behavior will be.
For example, if your child hits, you can say “You are not to hit mommy. The next time you hit mommy, (enter punishment here) will happen.” The most important part of this is that you actually follow through with the stated consequences.
If you tell your child they will receive a time out for a specific behavior, they need to receive a time out when they do the behavior. Inconsistent discipline is never effective. When deciding on a style of discipline, remember that punishment should never be excessive or beyond what is age-appropriate for the child.
Following punishment, explaining to your child why they received the consequence for the behavior will provide a learning opportunity as well as promote bonding.
What peaked your interest in working with children?
I became interested in working with children after making a discovery while working with adults. Many of the things that drive adults to seek therapy are actually rooted in childhood events.
Left unaddressed for years, these events tend to cause relationship difficulties, anxiety, or depression later in life. Realizing this, I shifted my clinical focus from treating symptoms in adults to helping prevent them from developing in children. Children are incredibly resilient and can make life-long changes with just a little bit of work.
Background/Bio:
Paul C. Milford, MSW is a clinical social worker specializing in the assessment and treatment of children, adolescents, and families. Milford received his Master of Social Work degree from the University of South Florida, where he was selected as a Maternal & Child Health Scholar. Milford has experience with children’s mental and behavioral health, domestic adoptions, foster care, educational counseling, and family therapy. Milford’s clinical areas of interest include behavior management, depression, chronic disease management, relationship issues, school performance, and anxiety within the individual and family systems.