Open Relationships: A Closer Look
Non monogamy, open relationships, and polyamorous relationships are all terms you might have recently heard. Tinder has even added polyamory to its list of desired relationship types. Relationship agreements around sex and monogamy are taking center stage and a topic that comes up frequently in our Chicago couples therapy offices!.
Open relationship conversations aren’t new! The Ethical Slut (Easton and Hardy), a book about non-monogamy, first published in 1997 helped catapult the conversation about monogamy and its alternatives into the mainstream.
In 2010, Dan Savage (author and opinion columnist) sparked quite a bit of controversy when he coined the phrase monogamish to describe the 20-year relationship between him and his spouse (See Amazon). Monogamish, Savage says, is a “committed emotional partnership in which each person is occasionally allowed to have sex with other people.”
Although these arrangements are rarer in heterosexual relationships, they seem to be more normative among queer relationships.
Couples therapists and relationship therapists in Chicago have noticed a growing expansion of conversations and considerations around non monogamous relationships. Northwestern University’s Institute for Sexual Health and Minority Wellbeing have empirically explored non monogamous relationships and impacts on health. Therapists for gay men are likely the most familiar with the topic, but Chicago couples counselors working with a spectrum of populations are noticing an uptick in conversations around open relationships.
While the specific arrangements, considerations, and terms for those arrangements are important, what is more pertinent is the positive impact of conversations about non monogamy for relationships – even for partners that ultimately choose monogamous relationships!
Regardless of societal expectations, there are ways in which even a discussion about open relationships (I’m not advocating one agreement over the other) can strengthen your relationship:
1. It acknowledges possibilities
Relationship and couples therapists work from a principle of curiosity and seeking to understand. This skill, while necessary in therapy, is advantageous to partners and encourages relationship satisfaction as well. Partners who don’t make assumptions about their partner, but instead demonstrate interest and curiosity – enhance their connection, allow for and encourage their partner to grow and evolve, and learn ways to increase their relationship satisfaction.
Unfortunately for many straight relationships, gender norms outline the roles of partners and those roles are often not considered or discussed. Dr. John Elia of San Francisco State University indicates that this is problematic, for LGBT and straight relationships. He notes that a specific form of heteronormative relationship is idealized, at the expense of more successful relationships.
For gay couples and other LGBT relationships, gender norms can’t be the determinate of many relationship decisions. As a result, queer relationships are forced to consider various possibilities of relationship rules, structure, and partners’ desires. This practice is both healthy and leads to greater relationship satisfaction.
One such decision point is the decision regarding monogamy or non monogamy. The mere discussion of these decisions allows partners to express aspects of monogamy and non monogamy that are desirable to them as well as those that are not desirable. In the process of expressing these thoughts, partners build trust and understanding of one another.
2. The conversation can be arousing
Conversations about sex, including conversations about sex with people outside of your relationship can also be a turn on. For some, the thought of their partner being sexual with someone else increases their sexual desire.
In a way, the conversations can be a form of foreplay or even invite greater sexual risk taking within the relationship.
3. Increased intimacy
Porn has influenced how we think about sex and sexual connection. For example, it’s conditioned us to believe we need to perform sexually or even take on a character, that conversations about sex are not necessary or helpful, and that men are more sexual than women. However, real sex is not porn. Conversations about sex are healthy and an important part of sexual and relationship satisfaction.
Discussions about monogamy or alternatives are part of a larger, healthy, conversation about sex. Non monogamy can be scary to talk about, but so can the way your partner kisses or touches. So, discussions about non monogamy can encourage a larger conversation, improve your sexual communication skills, and increase intimacy in your relationship.
4. Reminder that relationships must be active processes
What’s worse than stale crackers? Stale relationships. You don’t have to take my word for it. Just listen to friends who are in stale relationships talk about them. As a Chicago couples therapist, I hear it all the time. “I already know what he’s thinking.” “I know what she’ll say.”
The problem with his type of thinking is that it doesn’t allow the relationship to change, adapt, or grow. It also doesn’t acknowledge that people change at an individual level as well. Discussions about non monogamy and relationship agreements are good reminders that your relationship is changing – like it or not. You must engage and re-engage in conversations about each partner’s wants and needs in the relationship to keep the relationship active and as healthy as it can be.
5. Boundaries are explored
Discussing if monogamy or a version of non monogamy is the best fit for your relationship has the benefit of boundary exploration. Consider noticing an attractive person and wanting to say something about them to your partner. Is this okay within your relationship or not? There isn’t a right or wrong answer, but knowing the answer creates a sense of comfort and trust. This is just one example. Other boundaries exist around ways of being touched, sexual roles, fantasy sharing and exploration, sex toys, etc.
If you don’t communicate the boundaries within your sexual relationship, you can’t know what they are. (This can also lead partners to be more inhibited and less sexually interested and engaged.) Communicating about the decision for monogamy or non monogamy is a great start to other conversations about sexual boundaries in your relationship.
Sex can be tough to talk about! We live in a society in which sex remains taboo and can even be shamed. Nonetheless, sex and sexual agreements (including monogamy and non monogamous alternatives) are here to stay – whether you talk about it or not. Consider that the conversation acknowledges a relationship decision that you are already making (directly or not) and may have benefits beyond the final decision.
If you are considering an open relationship conversation, these discussion topics might help! If it’s still tough to talk about, consider enlisting the support of a relationship therapist. With offices in Lakeview and telehealth options, our expertise with straight and LGBT relationships can help!
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