Relationship Advice: 4 Tips When The Honeymoon Phase Ends

Relationship Advice: Honeymoon Period

By Glenn Dillon, LCSW

At some point in a committed relationship, there will come a time when the initial feelings of love, romance and excitement that existed in the beginning of the relationship will start to shift, and inevitably wane. Many people refer to this as the end of the “honeymoon phase,” that early stage of falling in love. It is also the beginning of a new “middle stage” of the relationship.

While the honeymoon phase typically lasts anywhere from a few weeks or even days (on the shortest end) to somewhere around 2 years (on the longest end), the changing nature of the middle phase is inevitable.  This is why known what type of love attachment style you have can be helpful.

Though this period may initially seem like a let-down or a big problem, this period can also be a real opportunity to understand more about yourself and your partner and to begin working towards accomplishing true intimacy and companionship. In order to help navigate some of the challenges that come with entering the Middle Phase of a relationship, here are some tips to keep in mind.

1) Spend time focusing on and having FUN.

As simple as it sounds, so many of the moments that we enjoy in life are literally the experiences that create the emotional experience of joy for us. When we are experiencing joy together with our partner, we are creating lasting experiences of enjoyment collectively and this leads to a more happy and healthy relationship.

Most couples that really remain in love and full of energy are those where they share many experiences of joy together through shared activities that both experience as fun and life enriching. For some couples, this may be athletic events like running marathons and going hiking, for others this may be appreciating the fine arts like opera, theatre, the symphony and museums, and for other couples, it may be going out for nice dinners and seeing movies together.

2) Strike a balance with SEX.

While sex and physical attraction may have been a significant part of the honeymoon phase of the relationship (and sometimes it is the primary factor of the relationship in the honeymoon phase), it will often shift and become less of a priority during the Middle Phase. Sometimes, sex seems to really dwindle during this phase, and of course, it is important to address this issue verbally and to work to increase the amount and quality of sexual intimacy.

Sometimes, it is necessary to work on strategies to “spice things up” in the bedroom by trying out new things like role play, fantasy, different positions, “new things”, etc. Though, sometimes, the focus may be just on having more sensual and mindful closeness that allows for a deepening of the sensory experiences around sex. This means working more to a create a romantic mood by using sensory tools such as sexy music, soft lighting, soothing and sensual fragrances to set the right mood for erotic energy.

Of course, the use of erotic touch and massage is often helpful for deepening into a personal experience and re-enlivening the libido. But, general expectations around the frequency and priority of intimacy will likely need to be adjusted some during the Middle Phase and this is normal. If the frequency seems way too low or non-existent, this may be a sign of a larger issue and then consulting with a couples therapist or a couples focused sex therapy may be a good idea.

3 Focus on “Something Larger” together, be it Spirituality, Religion or Ethical Values

There is a reason that religion and spirituality are one of top 3 issues that lead to the end of a marriage or long-term, committed relationship. This is because religion and spirituality serve as our moral and ethical compass for navigating the larger world. For example, some people truly believe their zodiac sign needs to match in order for love to happen.

In any event, when tragedy strikes, in the form of the death of a loved one, a natural disaster that damages our home, car, or workplace, or a difficult medical diagnosis of our own or of a loved one, we will be confronted with moral and ethical issues that call for a worldview to understand them.

To rely on a worldview that does not connect with that of your partner is often a challenge. Though we may have different views and identifications from our partner in regards to spirituality/religion, we must maintain a strong sense of empathy and support for each other’s views to allow for this difference to co-exist in a healthy manner.

If religion or spirituality is not your thing, then bond as a couple over shared values that contribute to society by getting involved with volunteer opportunities. Spend some time volunteering at a food pantry, a homeless shelter, a pet shelter, or help mentor/tutor young boys and girls who struggle in school via a Big Brother/Big Sister program.

4) Create a Strong and Safe Support Network both as a Couple & Individually

Lastly, both partners in a relationship need to have close friends, family members or mentors to turn to individually for emotional support, when in need. Likewise, the couple will need to have trusted people or other couples to serve as a support network for the relationship. Such people are people who believe in and validate/strengthen your relationship and who help maintain and respect the values that you identify with as a couple.

This may just mean other couples who understand the same aspects of life in work, shared housing with your partner, and navigating in-laws or children, etc. In some cases, the couple’s support network may need to be aligned to the specific lifestyle of the couple. For example, if you are two gay men in a committed, monogamous relationship, you may not want to choose other gay male couples who are in open relationships and engage in more promiscuous activities as part of your support system.

Likewise, if you are in an open relationship and fully enjoying  “adventures,” then you may not want to choose a couple who engage in a more traditional, monogamous relationship for your close support network, for risk that the other couple will not relate or even be judgmental towards your relationship.

The same thing may play out in terms of couples with or without children. Basically, the main point is to create a support network that helps sustain your relationship and that understands you both as a couple.  

Final Thoughts

Hopefully these tips will help you navigate the often choppy waters of the Middle Phase of the relationship. For additional ideas, check out our website and the various blog posts for couples. We also have some great books in our couples bookstore.

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