Putting the intimacy spark back in your relationship
By: Costa Provis, LCPC
I have heard it called the “seven year itch,” or more recently the “three year twitch,” but regardless of what you call it, there certainly seems to be a trend that as time passes couples often see a decrease in sex, intimacy, and affection. People take their partner’s for granted, or those little annoyances become much larger battles over the years in nearly all relationships.
This dynamic is all too common. As a marriage counselor in Chicago who has worked with lots of coupels, I believe that as individuals within a relationship disconnect from one another over time, they get less of their needs met by each other, and move further apart emotionally and physically.
It can easily become a runaway train where re-connecting sometimes seems impossible.
But before you give up, here are some things to consider. In addition to looking forward for a solution, there is also something to learn by reflecting back a little to see what got you and your partner to really connect in the first place.
More: 10 tips to enhance couples intimacy
Here are a few ways I have found to be helpful for couples to keep a strong emotional and physical connection:
First and foremost, the greatest contributor to intimacy and closeness is communication. By simply sharing ideas, and kindly expressing yourselves in a real and vulnerable way, a couple will strengthen their bond and enhance intimacy. (And an occasional compliment never hurts!) Think back to when you were getting to know each other, dating and courting her/him and consider the role that open expression and kindness played in building your connection.
It is also important to consider how you express yourselves when you are triggered or angry too. Just because you are upset does not mean that it is all right to be disrespectful to each other, or fly off the handle. The idea here is that you impact one another all the time and should be mindful of that impact. Things you say and do in times of anger don’t get erased when you make up again.
Instead of storing up anger until you blow up, I always recommend that couples talk about “small things” while they are still small. In other words talk about things when you’re feeling a little annoyed as opposed to once you’re seeing red.
Another important aspect to maintaining intimacy and affection is simply touch. This probably sounds quite obvious but somehow gets lost over time in relationships. Touch does not always have to be sexual either, in fact there is great benefit to sharing physical contact without the expectation or possible pressure of having sex actually.
It’s often a feeling of pressure, or not being on the same page at the same time (unmet expectations) that leads to sexual dissatisfaction and disconnection. Instead of reacting to a sense of pressure, rejection, or some other negative emotion, it can be really connecting for a couple to share physical touch without it leading to sex.
Try giving each other a massage or foot rub, and tell me you don’t feel a bit closer. Shoot, think back to those days you couldn’t keep your hands off each other. That was the same two people prior to all the “baggage” and it’s never too late to reconnect. After all, physical touch is one of the most important things for couples to maintain and work towards to keep the relationship intimate and even exciting.
The third extremely important factor in maintaining a strong sexual and intimate connection in your relationship is by sharing new experiences together. A.K.A. the dreaded “date night”! Instead of going out to dinner (which is still great to do, don’t get me wrong) once in a while go out and have a brand new experience together. Laugh together.
More: 8 practical ways to fix a relationship
Remember all the laughs you shared just by doing day to day life stuff when you were first dating? Not to mention the great efforts you each made to impress your partner back then. Nowadays it might feel more stressful to come up with date ideas than it is exciting to go out together.
Go big when you can, but spending time together doesn’t have to be a major event, even getting groceries or running errands could be a time to enjoy one another.
Just try to reflect on what you like about your partner and what you are grateful for within the relationship. Hopefully this gets you thinking a little differently about spending quality time together.
In conclusion, there are lots of ways to keep a strong connection in your relationship but hopefully these ideas are helpful. Think about it: if you stop having fun, new experiences together, stop sharing physical touch and affection, and stop expressing yourselves with openness and vulnerability, what do you think will happen?
Replace all this fun and intimacy with more responsibilities together, more frustration and even resentment, and again, the results shouldn’t shock anyone.
Disconnected people tend to grow apart over time. Therefore, I believe it’s really important to stay connected with one another, and if that connection starts to suffer or drift, please don’t ignore it. Re-connect and enjoy a relationship full of affection and closeness once again.
And who knows, by spending more and more time feeling close and connected your sex life can find a brand new spark! If you are currently struggling with keeping the spark in your relationship please don’t hesitate to reach out for further assistance.
