By: Anna Heilbrun, Ph.D.
The coronavirus pandemic upended relationships as we know them. Couples across the world were forced to decide between 24/7 co-habitation or indefinite separation. According to Ester Perel, a Belgiun psychotherapist and author of Mating in Captivity, acute stress can amplify the best or the worst in our relationships—the cracks in our relationship widen and become fissures, or the light that shines through those cracks shines brighter.
As our local Lakeview community tries to navigate the reopening process, our clients face uncertainty about the future, financial strain, and job insecurity. Alexandra Solomon, clinical psychologist and assistant professor at Northwestern University, says that it is “wholly unrealistic to think that a couple is not going to have a moment of panic during coronavirus-induced isolation where they second-guess the entire relationship.”
So how do you protect your relationship during these trying times? Let’s consider seven tips for navigating relationships during quarantine:
- Set boundaries. With the disruption to daily life, it is critical to establish boundaries, routines, and rituals. This means establishing a clear separation between daytime and evenings, working time and idle time, family time and work, weekends and weekdays. Negotiate ahead of time how to create these boundaries. If both of you are working from home, carve out space in separate areas of the house. As much as you can, try to stay in your space. Come back together at the end of the work day, just as you would during normal times. Maintaining a clear routine helps establish structure and order in a world that is chaotic and unsure.
- Practice self care. Check in regularly with your own stress levels. How is your sleep? Have your eating habits changed? Are you exercising regularly? Ruminating more? Consider sitting down with your partner and creating individual “life prescriptions.” What do you need to feel your best? Ask yourself how many hours of sleep you need to feel refreshed, how much exercise you need to clear your head, or how much alone time you need to feel restored. Compare each of your prescriptions and discuss how you can help support each other’s needs.
- You do not have to agree. We are inundated every day with issues that test our values and beliefs: Should schools/stores/offices reopen? Is it safe to see our extended family? Can my child go on a playdate? The good news is that you don’t need to agree on all of these issues to maintain a healthy relationship.Take a calm, measured approach to disagreement. Use phrases that convey understanding and openness: “I see what you’re saying”, “that makes sense to me”, “I understand.” Nod, maintain eye contact, or use physical gestures of support. Listen without interrupting. Defuse tension with humor.
- Nurture rituals of connection. John Gottman defines rituals of connection as a way of regularly turning toward your partner in a way that can be counted on. In the past this may have included rituals that are no longer possible or create logistical challenges, such as going out to your favorite restaurant or planning a couples-only vacation. Sit down with your partner and create an updated list of rituals that will nourish and strengthen your relationship. Remember, these rituals do not have to be grand gestures! Start your morning with a shared cup of coffee, take a daily dog walk, go for a bike ride, cook your favorite meal together, eat a screen-free dinner, or play a game of chess.
- Maintain your sexual connection. Under stress, some people turn to sexual connection to self-soothe. Others go into survival mode and shut down. Both are completely normal. Perel advises couples struggling with libido to start from a place of willingness and openness. Stay open to the possibility of being seduced by your partner, even if you don’t feel spontaneous desire. Maintain non-sexual contact by touching throughout the day.6)
- Ask for space. Separation and space are critical for the health of a relationship. Ask for it ahead of time—before you are in the throes of an argument. If you do find yourself flooded and in need of space in the middle of an argument, Solomon suggests “stepping away graciously”, without making accusations or airing grievances.
7. Seek professional help if you need it. Signs of relationship distress include frequent, negative interactions and malevolent forms of communication, such as criticism, contempt, and hostility. If you recognize these patterns in your relationship, therapy can help. Do not wait until your relationship has become negative or toxic to seek support.
