Do you unintentionally ruin your love life?
By: Kari Harrison, LCPC
Dating in Chicago can be difficult for anyone, and we may find ourselves asking why it is so difficult to find a compatible partner. You know the old saying, “it’s not you, it’s me.”
That may be a line to soften the blow of rejection, but sometimes it really is us. Transitioning from dating to a successful long-term relationship will be near impossible when we have self sabotaging tendencies in romantic relationships, and engaging in self sabotaging behaviors in dating/relationships is not uncommon.
Here are 5 ways you might be sabotaging your relationships…
1. You have your walls up
Love is one of the most powerful joys people can ever experience, and as such, it is also one of the most profound pains people can experience. Love hurts, as they say.
If we have experienced the pain associated with lost love, many of us pull away the moment we get close to someone, just to avoid the excruciating experience of having our heart broken again.
We have to look inward to heal and mend the wounds of heartbreak in order to allow ourselves to love again. Vulnerability is a foundational building block of love, and it’s also impossible to give or receive when we have barricaded our heart in a fortress.
2. You project
We all have that voice in our head that can be our biggest cheerleader or our greatest critic, depending on how we feel about ourselves. What is that voice telling you? If it is constantly tell you that you are not enough, then no one else will ever be enough for you. If it is constantly telling you that you are unlovable, then everyone else will be unlovable too.
If we are hypercritical of ourselves, then we will be hypercritical of our partners. Sometimes the negative messages we have internalized are deep rooted. Counseling can help you challenge your inner critic, and help you practice self-compassion and self-love, which are also necessary building blocks for a healthy relationship.
It sounds like an old cliché, but it really is true…it is impossible to love someone if we do not love ourselves.
3. You prefer the fantasy to the reality
Real life romantic relationships rarely mirror the romantic comedies and romance novels we consume.
In the beginning stages of a relationship, we tend to idealize our partners. Before we really get to know someone, it is easy to fantasize about the ways in which they might be our “perfect” partner, or daydream about how we have finally found the storybook love we have always dreamed of.
But inevitably, in dating, we all show our true selves eventually. That true self is a flawed self, and if your ideal relationship is based in fantasy rather than reality, you are likely to run at the first flaw you see in your partner.
4. You believe the grass is always greener
In line with the idea of relationships being a fantasy, sometimes we can fantasize other relationships or other partners when we experience problems in our current relationship. With the rise of online dating, commitment is more difficult than ever.
People are often searching for the next best thing, which has made millennials more commitment phobic than previous generations.
However, it is important to remind ourselves that true romantic compatibility is much harder to find than physical attraction alone. A pretty face on tinder does not a good relationship make.
If you are rejecting partners you may have compatible relationships with, because you are constantly on the search for “something better,” you may find yourself in a series of “almost” relationships.
If you are looking for something more long-term, then seek to find reasons to stay rather than leave relationships. Cultivate gratitude for what you have rather than what you do not. As Theodore Roosevelt once said, “Comparison is the thief of joy.”
5. You’re jaded
If you have had a string of less than satisfying or down right hurtful dating experiences/ relationship partners, it is easy to become jaded when it comes to love.
If you find yourself engaging in all or nothing statements like, “everyone cheats” or “everyone leaves eventually,” you will be unlikely to find healthy relationships, because you will consistently be waiting for people to prove your worst suspicions.
Being jaded can also make us apathetic and unlikely to seek out meaningful connections, especially if we have convinced ourselves it is more worthwhile to be alone. Check yourself if you’re making these types of all or nothing statements when it comes to love.
Self-sabotage in relationships is extremely common, but we can gain insight into these behaviors and work to develop healthier relationships. That relationship most often starts with ourselves.
As we work to nourish a healthier relationship with ourselves, we are working to set the foundation to be a healthy partner to someone else. Therapy can help you do the work to build insight into self-sabotaging behavior, mend deep-seated wounds, and learn more constructive ways to build relationships
