[vc_row][vc_column][vc_single_image image=”3515″ img_size=”large” alignment=”center” style=”vc_box_rounded”][/vc_column][/vc_row][vc_row][vc_column][vc_column_text]
Move In – Get Married?
By: Costa Provis
Are you in love? Have you been dating your partner for some time now, and thinking about what the future has in store? Well, before taking your relationship to the next level by moving in together, or getting married, every couple should take some time to talk about their expectations.
Expectations are sort of sneaky in that we often don’t realize them until they have been broken, so I strongly encourage you to spend some time and energy on this. This is a topic that comes up frequently during couples therapy with clients.[/vc_column_text][/vc_column][/vc_row][vc_row][vc_column][vc_raw_html]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[/vc_raw_html][/vc_column][/vc_row][vc_row][vc_column][vc_column_text]Here are 5 tips that you should consider talking about before taking that next step, and definitely before your expectations haven’t been met.
Whether you realize it or not, you probably already have established ideas about these things, so here’s your chance to communicate with your significant other and help yourself avoid future disappointment:[/vc_column_text][/vc_column][/vc_row][vc_row][vc_column][vc_single_image image=”1290″ img_size=”large” alignment=”center” style=”vc_box_rounded”][/vc_column][/vc_row][vc_row][vc_column][vc_column_text]
1. Money
Will yours be a dual income or single income household? If it’s a single income home then you may focus more on each person’s expectations on things like spending, saving, and managing finances. If like many couples, both partners will be working, then do you split everything 50 / 50? Do you open a joint bank account? Will there be spending limits? What about previous debts?
This is quite a loaded topic to say the least, and one that could become frustrating when both partners are not aligned on their thinking. There is certainly no one correct way to handle finances within your relationship, but talking about your expectations is critical in the planning process.
Here’s one idea that many couples have utilized – each person takes the same percentage out of each paycheck and puts that amount into a joint account.
That way regardless of differences in salaries, each partner is contributing equally to the joint fund. Then that fund is used to pay household bills, and each person has some personal spending money left over. Again, there is not just one way to go about this topic so just start the conversation.
2. Family
What will the role of our families of origin be in our lives now as adults? Does the couple agree on these roles, and just as importantly do the families? If not, how does each partner feel about having to maybe set boundaries and create limits for our families? How about children? Do both partners want children and if so, how far into the future does each of you see this becoming a top priority?
Like most topics, when the expectations are similar there is not too much to figure out, but when the vision of the future (or present) does not align there is great potential for conflict and letdown. It’s never too soon to talk about the role and future of family within your relationship!
3. Intimacy and Sex
First and foremost, are both people satisfied and happy with the current level of intimacy? How are each of you defining intimacy, and how important is it to each of you?
Often times when couples don’t have very similar views on intimacy one person may experience higher levels of rejection, which then leads to thinking about how to deal with rejection in a positive way.
Sexual satisfaction is a very important element of a healthy relationship, and a topic that should also certainly be discussed – which can be difficult to do because it can be awkward at times – but if you trust in the concept of proactive communication being helpful in relationships, then expectations about this topic should be explored.
Don’t wait until you are feeling rejected, unwanted, or resentful to bring it up.
4. Spiritual Beliefs
Are you or your partner religious or spiritual people? Do you share the same faith? Is that important to you? This may seem like an extremely sensitive topic, but that is all the more reason to talk about your expectations, and start figuring out how you will navigate any differences.
Some couples with differing religious beliefs choose to alternate holidays, or celebrate all holidays equally. Again, like all of these topics, there is not one right way to go about this, so share your ideas with each other. If being of the same religion is important to you then you should absolutely not hesitate to discuss this with anyone you are even considering dating in a serious way. Spirituality takes on many forms so try to remain open-minded.
5. Housework (Chores)
How similar are your overall levels of cleanliness with your partner? Hopefully quite similar! But if not, don’t worry, because by discussing your expectations about housework with one another you can really practice finding compromise.
I usually encourage couples to list the chores each person is ok with and the ones they really hate. From there you can assess just how difficult the negotiating will be. If you just cannot reach a middle ground then is hiring a housekeeper an option?
Final Thoughts
Identifying and sharing your expectations with your partner is extremely important for many reasons. It’s usually helpful information for your partner, and also greatly decreases the chances of being disappointed.
You also learn to be an effective communicator, and in so doing learn how to negotiate and compromise with one another. The benefits are great, so please take the time to get to know your significant other by talking about these topics prior to taking the next big step in your relationship.
If you are in Chicago and considering marriage or even moving in together, I encourage you to consider engaging in premarital counseling. Many of the topics mentioned here are part of the dynamic.
Click Link to Learn About Our Chicago Premarital Counseling Program.
[/vc_column_text][/vc_column][/vc_row]
