Is it time to get married?
By: Kari Harrison, LCPC
It’s wedding season in Chicago, which may have you reflecting on where your own relationship stands. If you’re wondering whether or not you and your #WCW or #MCM should take the next step, take a step back and think about whether your relationship contains these 5 elements…
1. You’ve gotten past the honeymoon phase
According to biological anthropologist Helen Fisher, one of the most prominent researchers on the topic of the evolution of sex and love, human beings have evolved to experience that magical feeling of being in love with someone (aka the honeymoon phase), for 18 months to 3 years.
That’s not to say that you cannot stay in love throughout the course of a lifetime, but it’s a different type of love. Love inevitably evolves from a fiery passionate flame, to a feeling of warmth, comfort, and dependability.
So, when the fire dies down, you either find yourself safe in that feeling of warmth, or find that the relationship has grown cold. Give yourself the time to see if this is a love that can continue to keep you warm throughout a lifetime, and according to Helen Fisher, that is not something that you can know in less than 18 months.
2. You are your most authentic self in this relationship
Healthy relationships make you feel understood and seen. Have you ever been in a relationship where you felt like your partner didn’t really see the real you? That is indicative of a relationship where you are not being your authentic self.
A lack of authenticity in a relationship, on one or both partner’s behalf, is often due to emotional unavailability or incompatibility, neither of which is conducive to long-term relationship success.
More: Learn about relationship therapy in Lakeview
If you find yourself unable to fully be your true self in your relationship, it might be time to assess the reasons for that. Relationship therapy often help bring insight into any walls you or your partner may have up that could be preventing this.
3. You share values, goals, and a see a path forward together
When a relationship stagnates, it dies. Couples who are successful often see a similar vision in terms of what they want in a future together, and keep the spark alive by working towards future oriented goals. These goals are often based on shared values such as travel, family, building a home, exploring the city you live in, etc. Without shared values, goals, and an active effort on both parties to work towards these goals, the relationship will sit at a stand still, and eventually deteriorate.
4. You resolve conflict in a way that i constructive rather than destructive
All couples experience conflict. Conflict is normal, and is present in healthy relationships.
There is a difference in the way healthy and unhealthy couples experience conflict, however. Healthy couples work their way through conflict in a way that is constructive, meaning conflicts serve the purpose of finding a solution to a problem, and remain focused to the topic at hand.
More: Premarital therapy in Chicago made simple
When a conflict is resolved constructively, both partners usually feel better and closer to each other once a resolution is found. When conflict is destructive, it often times moves from the topic at hand to points of contention that have nothing to do with the original topic, escalates into personal attacks or a rehashing of past disappointments and resentments, and both partners may feel uneasy and isolated afterwards.
If you find yourself experiencing symptoms of unhealthy conflict in your relationship, now may be a good time to seek couples counseling.
5. You understand that relationships are work, and you’re not afraid to get your hands dirty
Anything you want to succeed in in life takes work, and relationships are no different. Make no mistake; you have to work at sustaining a good relationship that can go the distance. Loving someone isn’t enough to ensure a blissful union that lasts a lifetime, and complacency is a big contributing factor to the deterioration of romantic partnerships.
Dedicating quality time to your partner, nourishing physical and emotional intimacy, and homing in on your communication skills can help create a solid foundation. But when that foundation cracks, both partners need to be willing to step up to the plate to work to mend the wear and tear.
Again, if you find yourself experiencing cracks in the foundation of your relationship, and complacency is preventing you or your partner from repairing those cracks, couples counseling could be helpful for you.
Now, feel like you’ve got the green light to take the plunge into marriage? Go for it! But if reading this blog gave you any pause, consider seeking counseling to help you determine if there’s a green light in your relationship future!
