By: Bill Farrand, MA, LCPC
Being single in a culture that revolves around family and “coupledom” can be difficult even in the best of times. The arrival of each year’s Holiday Season seems to inevitably up that ante more than a few times over. And it’s a topic that frequently comes up with our Chicago relationship counseling clients who are unattached during this time of year.
With 24/7 media constantly berating you with messages of self-worth tied directly to wedded bliss, it takes added effort and regular reminding that you’re every bit as worthy of happiness and fulfillment on your own as your otherwise-paired-up brethren are so widely advertised to be.
Here are a five simple things to keep in mind that can help with that:
1) Resist Timetables. Take the pressure off yourself by accepting your bachelor status until at least the new year. By focusing your energy on simply enjoying your friends and family until then, you can grant yourself a welcome respite in which you emphasize the people and things you’re already grateful for. You can formulate your Dating Game Plan after the egg nog and auld lang syne — a plan that starts with reflection and self-inventory you’ll then be much better prepared for as a result.
2) Stop Comparing. Often, the trap of measuring our self-worth by comparing ourselves to others is just too tempting to avoid. While sometimes comparison may actually be useful in guiding us toward what we want, when it comes to relationship status, we need extra vigilance to avoid slipping into using it as a kind of yardstick for measuring our lovability.
Your married best friend whom you secretly envy, with her great kids, in her nice house, may very well in return be looking surreptitiously at you, longing for the freedom and independence that your single status grants you.
3) Defend Against Peer Pressure. Bearing in mind that our already-coupled friends may well have only the best of intentions, don’t forget that the grass is always greener. Our entire culture conspires to program us into feeling we need a partner to validate our “worthiness” — but we don’t!
The moment their messages no longer support our growing recognition of what we’re deserving of — when they stop inspiring us to find a way to go out and get it — is exactly when their usefulness can turn harmful.
4) Value Your Realistic Inventory. If you’re having difficulty evaluating yourself, ask someone you trust for input. Remember, at all times, that while the perception(s) from outside looking in can be invaluable, they are never the whole story! Only you live in your skin and only you can “walk in your moccasins.”
While it’s obviously vital to guard against rationalization and self-deception, it’s equally important to treat yourself with the same respect and care you give to those you already love. Remember to keep both angles of view in balance for proper perspective.
5) Consider New Angles. It may sound cliché to remember the need to love yourself before you set out to find someone to love (who loves you back!), but few truths are as fundamental as this. Try to look at your “Unattached Holiday” as an ideal opportunity to hone this requisite self esteem.
Give yourself a corresponding non-material gift such as an hour of quiet meditation, a concert or a massage, for every tangible thing you give a loved one. Establishing self-nourishing routines in this way can lead to the kinds of significant personal growth that often attract the healthy, reciprocal synergies you’re seeking.
Spending time with yourself — being present with who you are and what you want in life — is a preliminary requirement for finding a healthy relationship.
Why not “leverage” your holiday time into just such an opportunity? Ironically, research has shown that breakups peak in the month of December, two weeks before Christmas. Think of the holidays as an opportunity for specific, inspirational nurturing of a more authentic self, better prepared to mine the newly-replenished singles market available in their aftermath.
A great book that has some great lessons on this topic is: “The Secret Rules of Self-Love” by Winsome Campbell-Green.
Of course, for many, single or otherwise, the holidays can bring up overwhelming feelings. If this describes you, consider speaking with one of our experienced and empathetic counselors who have helped many people through difficult times to find satisfying and happy lives.
