How therapy helps with intimacy issues
By Jennifer Lawal, LPC
Ahh..let’s talk about SEX; Yes, Sex and Counseling. This simple word is anything but simple and at least for most humans, there is nothing simple about the act of sex. As Alfred Kinsey puts it, a well-known pioneering sex researcher, “the only universal in human sexuality is variability itself, and within the universe of intimacy and pleasure that sex affords, there’s a lot of room for error.”
In general, the majority of couples in Chicago values and enjoys having sex and most often believe that, if we are having sex on a regular and consistent basis then my relationship is stable and “normal”. On the other hand, the lack of regular or consistent sex implies that there is something in the relationship and each partner begins to experience levels of dissatisfaction, resentment, and ultimately detachment.
In fact, apart from procreation, having a healthy sex life is important in any relationship. Sex is important in any relationship because it is the core foundation for intimacy, which is the driving force that strengthens emotional connections.
It is true that sex is the physical embodiment of intimacy, therefore, when it’s missing or not enough, it can be associated with the couple having difficulties intimately connecting with each other.
For some people, having a “good” sex life is a great source of worry and anxiety, and a poor to no sex life or sexual dysfunction can lead to relationship problems, loss of confidence in self and the relationship, and several other negative effects.
Related: What is sex therapy?
Studies have shown that “in the hands of a good counselor, couples counseling is successful 70-80% of the time, and growing apart is the single biggest reason people give for ending their relationship.” Big Deal!
In my experience working with couples, it is easier to discuss other issues preventing the relationship from moving in a positive direction–issues such as frequent conflicts, ineffective communication, infidelity, trust ruptures etc,
However, there is a certain level of blame and shame that is often associated with sexual satisfaction or performance in the relationship. Hence, most couples are often apprehensive about discussing their sex life in therapy or getting couples counseling to improve their sex life.
Confused about where to begin or trouble determining if what you or your partner is experiencing is “normal?” Well, below are some common signs that the health of your sex or your sex life might be in jeopardy, and the time to seek out counseling:
- prolong period of no sexual contact or intercourse
- noticeable lack of intimacy
- issues with attraction
- infidelity
- compulsive masturbation or sexual addiction
- anxiety and stress regarding sexual performance
- negative sexual attitudes due to past trauma
- body image or self-esteem issues
The truth is, getting couples counseling for issues in the relationship is often the last attempt at saving the relationship. Similarly, there are countless benefits to getting couples counseling to help improve the sexual health of your relationship.
Related: “My boyfriend won’t touch me!”
As with all forms of psychotherapy used to address various psychological distress, your therapist will utilize specific therapeutic techniques and guiding questions to help explore sexual problems that have left you and your partner feeling wounded and stuck.
The goal of couples counseling when used to address intimacy and poor to no sex life is to provide healing from sexual problems and complications.
Your therapist will assist you and your partner to reach and attain your highest sexual potential and repair communications that inhibit sexual growth. It can also help improve the emotional connection between you and your partner and increase sexual bond and desires for each other that would ultimately promote a more fulfilling and healthy sex life.
That being said, here are some benefits of counseling for sexual problems:
- Learning new and effective communications about sex
- Increased vulnerability
- Dealing with blame, shame, and codependency
- Deepening understanding of your partner’s sexual wants and needs
- Deepening intimacy
- Becoming more open and honest about sex
- Understanding healthier ways to both achieve satisfaction
- A better understanding of your sexual desires and experience.
Let’s face it, sex is a very important aspect of any couples relationship, however, it is important to keep in mind that it can change and fluctuate over time. The longer you and your partner are together, the more creativeness is required to “spice things up.”
In addition, it is important to also be mindful that every couple is different, and remember that when it comes to sex, there is no such thing as “normal.”
Through couples counseling, you and your partner are able to learn what works for both of you, thus, defining and creating your own meaning of normal which is based on a better understanding of each other’s wants, needs and desires–Ultimately leading to a happy and healthy sex life.
