By Bill Farrand, LCPC
According to the website statisticbrain.com, over 60% of Americans make New Year’s resolutions at least some of the time. The most common resolutions focus on wellness issues, such as quitting smoking or shedding a few pounds; self-improvement goals, like going back to school or becoming more well-read; and finances, such as saving more or paying off those credit cards.
If you have had trouble keeping those resolutions in the past– as do about 64% of those who make them–why not look at making specific resolutions with your partner about your relationship? There are several benefits to this approach, not the least of which could be actually talking with your partner about your relationship.
You may also find it easier to attain your goals with her or his support while working toward a common goal. According to Dr. Deborah Anapol, PhD, author of The Seven Natural Laws of Love, “Relationship resolutions are a wonderful way to effect change and when you start to see results, the areas of your brain responsible for feeling reward are activated. This will make you want to keep doing it.”
Here are three resolutions you might try with your partner with tips on making them stick:
#1) Realize No One’s Perfect
After we’ve been in a relationship for while, it can be easy to overlook all the good that our partners bring to our lives, and the small aggravations and their eccentricities can take center stage. We may find ourselves focused on the tasks that aren’t getting done or are not getting done to our standards, like the dishwasher not being loaded the ‘“right” way, or which way the toilet paper goes on the holder.
Often other personal characteristics (which remember, we voluntarily signed on for!) or little habits that once seemed cute start to get under our skin and we give into the uncontrollable urge to nag.
If you stop to think about it for a just a moment, you will realize that no one likes to be nagged and you probably don’t consider yourself at your best when you are nagging. You can start to turn this around by paying attention to the words you choose in your communication with your partner. When you hear yourself saying, “You always/never _____”, realize that you are no longer speaking on behalf of the rational part of your brain.
If you catch yourself starting to say this, stop to consider if it is really important enough to begin a fight, because that is likely the best outcome you can expect. Instead, see if there are ways you can agree to call each other’s attention to this pattern of communication, and mutually agree that you both will stop when it’s pointed out.
Find a time when you are both in a good space and come up with a set of priorities that will make your lives together better, such as making quality time for each other or getting your finances under control, and then support each other in sticking to those things. You will have already agreed what is important so leave the rest alone when you are tempted to bring them up.
#2) Increase the frequency and quality of your physical intimacy
Concerns about what is (or isn’t) happening in the bedroom are extremely common according to Dr. Anapol, who says that women are often sexually unsatisfied, and complain about it or avoid the topic completely. Men tend to pride themselves with their sexual performance and when the reviews are less than glowing, a bruised ego can get in the way of healthy communication around a touchy topic. Dr. Anapol recommends that you both make having an active and happy sex life a conscious priority.
This means making time to discuss what a satisfying sex life looks like to both of you. These conversations tend to go better when they are at a time that is not immediately following a less-than-gratifying sexual experience, or when either of you does not have the energy to engage with one another in a productive, meaningful way.
You can also look for things that make you happy or that you appreciate that she or he does and express that with a follow-up request, such as, “I feel really close to you when you hold me in bed and I’d like to do that more.” If this level of communication seems difficult, you may want to look into sex therapy, and find a qualified professional who can help you navigate these issues.
#3) Find support and enjoyment outside of the relationship
It is completely reasonable to depend on your partner when the going gets rough. However, being overly emotionally dependent can make you seem needy—a quality that your partner may find unappealing. When your partner feels as though he or she is too responsible for your happiness, that pressure can hinder healthy interaction.
In healthier relationships, people who exude self-confidence, are assertive, and have an appropriate level of independence are more attractive to their partners.
To make good on this resolution, consider activities that you enjoyed in the past and that you do less of now. Dust off that old clarinet, join a recreational sports league, or make plans with friends to do things that your partner doesn’t like as much as you do. Maintaining outside interests and activities gives you more to contribute to your relationship and helps to keep you more well-rounded as a person.
The key to successful New Year’s resolutions is to make them realistic and manageable and these three small changes can make a big difference in the quality of your relationship. Of course, some relationship issues may be more complex and require the help of a qualified relationship counselor.
When you find yourself struggling in your relationship, the most important resolution you can make is to get the help you need sooner rather than later. It is much easier to prevent a problem from worsening, than to repair damage that has already been done.
If this describes your relationship contact us today to connect with one of our relationship experts and make your 2016 a happier and healthier year.