Time for Couples Therapy?
By: Alexandra DeWoskin, LCSW
If you think about it, a relationship is like taking two “strangers” with different backgrounds, upbringings, modeling, even core values and expecting them to just get along. There are no classes in school to learn how to relate, communicate, compromise, resolve conflict, show intimacy and connection, and form empathy.
Our ability to empathize is formed by watching our own caregivers. And what if they weren’t the perfect role models? In a relationship we need to consider the friendship, romantic elements, partnership and even the running of a small business (sharing and running a household).
Therapy can provide a safe space to talk about sensitive topics, talk through feelings, articulate how a relationship may or may not be meeting expectations, and find common the grounds that drew partners together in the first place.
There are several iterations of relationship counseling: pre-marital/commitment counseling; couple’s counseling; marital counseling. While often there are problems within the relationship that drive the couple to a therapist, I’ve had many couples, over the years, choose a more proactive and preventative approach to creating and maintaining a healthy relationship.
They seek out couple’s counseling to learn better relationship tools to avoid future conflict in an effort to maintain a happier, more connected and more fulfilling relationship. We grow as people over time. In a relationship, the goal is to grow together and not apart and learn how to be individual while maintaining partnership. Some of my clients “check-in” or “tune-up” regularly even if not frequently.
Often though, it is the problems that arise that drive couples to seek therapy. And often couples should seek therapy long before they think they need to. They wait until small things become big things that are buried deep inside.
I’ve seen couples who have spent years in unhappy relationships, hoping things will get better and then decide to try counseling when they’re finally at their wits end. While change can occur at any stage in a relationship, the more deeply set patterns are, the more difficult change may be.
If you wait until one or both of you wants to break up or you are so angry and resentful you can’t be reasonable, it makes couples therapy more difficult and often, less effective. Many couples believe that they can work through their problems on their own and hope that things will get better.
In some instances, a couple can create change in their marriage by really focusing on their behaviors at home and working hard to be different, but for many couples, the patterns, pain, and problems persist. Unfortunately, most couples do not take the step they need to actually heal, repair, and grow together.
Couples counseling is a place where a couple can learn about themselves, the relationship, and each other. It is a place where the “emotional triggers” of a fight can be understood. It is a place where patterns in the relationship can become clear and where the pain and disappointments they have experienced can be acknowledged and repaired.
The main goal of couple’s therapy is working through negative patterns and replacing these patterns with positive conflict management, intimacy, and connection. Therapists will help repair damage, dysfunctional thoughts, feelings, and behaviors, and teach them how to recognize and reconstruct the ways partners interpret each other. There are often small signs you need couples therapy early on.
In fact, those couples that proactively seek help at the first sign of difficulties are the ones with the best relationships and the best outcomes from therapy:
- Unhealthy patterns of conflict or recurring arguments.
- To learn conflict resolution strategies.
- Communication difficulties and barriers and to learn different forms of healthy communication and listening skills and how to communicate effectively.
- Intimacy Issues. Your therapist will help you and your partner explore intimacy in several areas of your life, as well as increase trust, connection, and closeness
- Life stressors and navigating life transitions and learning to rely on and support each other through life’s difficulties ie children, work, other external relationships, mental and physical health concerns, moving, changing jobs, losing jobs, becoming empty-nesters.
- Insecure attachments.
- Affairs do not necessarily mean that the relationship is forever broken. It can be a sign that there is a major issue within the relationship and the roots of the issue(s) can be explored while also learning to heal from the affair.
- Addiction Issues.
- Emotional distance and loneliness.
- Trust and commitment issues.
- Differences in parenting styles.
- Mismanagement and disagreement on finances.
- Equitable distribution of household chores, responsibilities and decision making.
- If resentment is turning into contempt…undealt with anger.
- Learn to deal with issues head on vs sweeping issues under the rug.
- If you feel like your relationship is negatively affecting your personal well-being and the overall well-being of the family.
- When life feels diverging…doing separate things and shared life feels distant.
- Laying the groundwork and foundation for a new stage in the commitment ie pre-marital/commitment counseling.
In some situations, couples therapy is not the answer because it could cause more harm than good or it will just not be effective. If one partner is unwilling to participate is a great example. But individual counseling is an option to learn how to better deal with the relationship or help make the challenging decision to continue on or leave.
Maybe your partner will be inspired by your growth. But, in abusive situations, your partner may feel threatened by your changes. Seeking couple’s counseling too soon ie after dating for a short amount of time is generally a sign that the relationship will not be successful.
The presence of domestic violence is a dangerous time for couple’s therapy. It can actually put the victim at greater risk of abuse. If you feel unsafe in your relationship, individual counseling is more warranted.
There are often times when couples may avoid counseling. Some people fear the unknown, worry about the anxiety and discomfort of drudging up issues, opening up to a stranger, limited time availability, perceived financial cost, a negative experience with a past therapist. There is and always will be a reason not to go but if a couple truly wants to repair and improve their marriage, they will find a way to get help.
I have seen many busy couples without a surplus of funds who have found a way to commit to counseling. And often, that determination, motivation, commitment is the biggest predictor of success. When looking for a therapist, do your research before choosing a couple’s therapist. You won’t really know whether they’re the right fit for you and your partner until you get together. Just like all relationships, chemistry plays a role. In respect, to how long or process, there’s no one-size-fits-all answer. It really depends on the couple and the issues they’re working through.
For some couples, a few sessions may be all they need to jump-start their relationship, while others may remain in therapy for years. In my experience, it is imperative that commitment and motivation for change are necessary for positive outcomes. The couples who want to make their marriage healthy again, are all in.
The couples who really want to be together and change put the time in, work hard, and then the relationship improves. They realize that talking to each other in a neutral, safe setting of their therapist’s office supports and begins to shift the patterns.
