By: Alan Tsang, MA, LPC, NCC
Trust and Relationships
You’ve found success in Chicago; hustling and bustling to get the job done. You’ve even had time to adjust to your personal life, and find a wonderful partner and have started what seems to be an amazing relationship together. That’s wonderful!
Somewhere along the line, you start to notice something odd; not about your partner, but about yourself. You aren’t sure what it is, and you wholeheartedly believe there’s something else going on with your partner. A conversation happens and it escalates into an argument about trust in the relationship. Now you’re probably wondering “What happened?”
Trust is an important part in any relationship, says John Gottman (2019) in his book “Eight Dates”, especially in a romantic one. That sense of dependability and reliability is important because it helps build vulnerability and commitment in our relationships. It can be difficult to rebuild trust when it’s broken in this case. When a relationship ends because of broken trust, that deep connection you want to have can be difficult to regain in future relationships.
Sometimes, it can be hard to know whether what you’re feeling is mistrust or good old fashioned butterflies in your stomach. Even in modern media, trust has always been a common point of contention in the many twisting plot points of our favorite shows and movies.
An article from Psychology Today reasons that faith and trust go hand in hand because there is hardly ever a truth to the fact before it happens. We make it a point to believe our partners will “do right by us” in any instance. So for trust to be had, we have to firmly have an indication that our partner will have our backs and walking the line with you; not in front or behind, but together.
Consider these following indicators for why you might have difficulty trusting your partner.
1. One of you keeps things to themselves
Let’s bring this back to trust building vulnerability. Many of us might not think there’s a need to talk to our partners about the little things such as making dinner plans, when someone might be getting home, or even laundry days. Simple things like this might sound irrelevant but I’m willing to bet they still warrant discussion!
Talking with your partner through the small things can help everyone open up about personal thoughts, one of the many ways vulnerability plays out in a relationship. Focusing on the big things can help the disagreement from escalating even further.
Imagine filling a jar with large rocks, there’s still space for the little pieces too! Even after the little pieces, there’s even still space for more somewhere in there too. Walking in with an open mind can be a useful tool when you want to open up with your partner because you might not initially come to an agreement.
2. Red flags
In a romantic relationship, a red flag is essentially defined as something you’re not okay with in your relationship with your partner. There could be things that irritate you, sure, but what makes a red flag so important is the impact it might have had previously in your life. This could be from a past relationship, or with something you’ve seen that’s seated deeply in your personal boundaries with other individuals.
So, what kind of red flags can be important to identify? That’s entirely dependent on you! An example of a red flag might be noticing your partner speaking more intimately with someone else, and it might have been something that you’ve experienced in a past relationship. Being able to identify red flags that are detrimental to your emotional mental health can be important for the trust in your relationship.
3. Past relationship patterns
It’s common to think about your past relationships when you just start your current one. “Are they the same?” “Will they hurt me too?” “What happens if they leave just like the last person?” All valid questions, and all valid indicators that there is mistrust in your mind. Thinking about the patterns of our past relationships can be helpful for us by lending us insight on what to do, or not do. Depending on the relationship, they can also have us ruminating about our previous hurt.
On the opposite side of the coin that your past relationships can have an effect on trusting your partner, I would hazard to say that your partner’s past relationships can have a say in how you act or react towards your partner too! The same questions that you ask yourself can be asked here too.
This is not to say all of your partner’s past relationships will have a role in your perceived mistrust, but it’s important to know how this can affect your current relationship.
4. Walls are up
Let’s think about the hurt that I mentioned in point 3. When emotional pain happens, most people unconsciously build boundaries within themselves that let them hide personal thoughts and feelings from others.
Imagine what would happen if there were a past relationship that was emotionally hurtful or traumatic towards you, and again you wonder if the current relationship might end up the same way. I imagine that would drive a wedge between the two individuals because one wants to know about the other, but the other is afraid of what would happen if they went “all in”.
Transparency is crucial. Walls will lower themselves as we begin to put more in to the relationship, because we trust that the other will take that information to heart. The key to lowering these walls is jumping in with both feet, not just one.
5. The love isn’t there
At the start of any relationship, trust comes before love and love impacts trust. If one isn’t there, what’s to say that the other will be there too? Just like commitment, trust and love is about jumping in with both feet rather than just one. A level of trust is almost always instilled before feeling the emotion of love; and feeling an increased sense of love can reinforce that sense of trust in your partner. Whether something emotionally traumatic or something hurtful happened, if the love is lost, so can the trust.
As important as these indicators mentioned above are, it’s also important for everyone to understand that these are also simply common indicators. There may be more that relate to you personally.
It’s important to recognize what stirs up your emotions, particularly trust, in your relationship. It’s also just as important to recognize when you might or might not be ready for a secure relationship. Having difficulty trusting your partner can lead to negative relationship behaviors that can be detrimental to everyone’s mental health.
If you are having concerns and are struggling with moving forward with your partner and are in the Windy City, I encourage you to give us a call! Our number for new clients is 773.528.1777. I would love to work with you whether individually or as a couple in building a strong, trusting relationship.
We have many professionals that can help you heal from the brokenness of past relationships that you might be feeling. You can also reach us through email via our contact form. Thanks for reading!
