Relationship Conflicts – A Closer Look
Walking around Chicago, bystanders and other observant pedestrians are likely to witness the romantic relationships fellow Chicagoans are in. Within these relationships, it is perhaps nearly impossible to not make the assumption that conflicts are bound to happen. Whether it is through layman’s observations or the more acute interactions that we see, couples are prone to have disagreements.
Whether partners choose to confront, and how they confront, the issues and disagreements with their significant other may be dependent on a multitude of factors (Grover, 2017). Often times, partners may decide to avoid the conflict while others may choose to confront the issue directly (Grover, 2017). Regardless of the decision, it is important to note that disagreements happen in all relationships; simply from the fact that no one partner is the same as their significant other (Lancer, 2020).
These disagreements can manifest when we least expect it. Perhaps a conversation or interaction may have precipitated it. Often times, the obvious and larger topics might be about life goals or decisions. Other times, they might focus on smaller details that have escalated into larger themes of the relationship. These larger themes within the relationship can be defined as perpetual problems; which are reportedly approximately 69% of relationship conflicts (Fulwiler, 2012; Larsen 2017). Within this classification of relationship problems, the focus is also placed on fundamental differences between partners; whether they are based on lifestyles or personality differences (Fulwiler, 2012). Issues that are perpetual are just as the definition for perpetual; repeatedly occurring and never ending.
Related: Couples Marriage Therapist in Chicago
In her work, Larsen (2017) stated that while many couples have ongoing differences, talking through them with affection has been suggested to allow for stronger successes between partners. Larsen (2017) has also suggested that this can lead to emotional disengagement. Given the suggestions that gridlocks and perpetual conflicts are persistent within the relationship (Fulwiler, 2012; Larsen, 2017); it can then be suggested that the methods of communication are a primary reason for conflicts manifesting more than they should be (Provis, 2015; Seidman, 2017). It should be noted that gridlock can be defined here as being unable to resolve disagreements constructively and unintentionally allowing them to become mishandled (Fulwiler, 2012).
While some have argued that perpetual conflicts are unsolvable, others have disagreed and stated otherwise (Heitler, 2013; Heitler, 2013). In her work, Heitler (2013) argued similarly to Larsen (2017) and Lancer (2020) that collaboration and dedication towards the other would make for ideal problem solving. By using implemented communication strategies, some have suggested the couple’s ability to express themselves more calmly and succinctly during the conflict (Heitler, 2013; Provis, 2015). The remainder of this writing will focus on the argument that the understanding, rather than resolution, of perpetual relationship conflicts can create a roadmap for stronger relationship dynamics.
Whether the argument within a relationship is focused on fundamental differences or smaller issues like child bearing or sex, many have again suggested that communication is important in resolving relationship issues (Fulwiler, 2012; Larsen, 2017). Being able to establish trust within the relationship has been noted to allow for vulnerability and commitment (Tsang, 2020). If trust is fundamental in vulnerability, and vulnerability can be a point where differences within couples manifest, allowing oneself to trust the relationship and effectively listen to a partner’s thoughts may be resourceful in getting closer to resolutions (Seidman, 2017; Tsang, 2020).
In his writing, Provis (2015) suggested that a healthy relationship stemmed from communication between partners. Such that while empathy and validation were more general methods of building communication within relationships, this may also apply to resolution of conflicts in terms of being able to understand where perpetual issues may stem from. A reminder that perpetual problems are defined as fundamental variances in personality and lifestyles (Fulwiler, 2017). If the solvable issues such as intimacy and interpersonal relationships can be deemed as solvable (Fulwiler, 2017), the argument can continue that lifestyle differences can also be discussed effectively with minimal conflict. The difference here may be focused on how the communication takes place in the conflict (Heitler, 2013; Larsen, 2017).
Hall (2017) has also mentioned multiple reasons for how conflicts are healthy for relationship growth. While conflicts and disagreements might feel uneasy during the moment, it has been noted that it is within these moments that understanding can play a part in helping each respective partner continue fostering growth and allow for emotional connectivity (Hall, 2017; Pascale & Primavera, 2016). Many outstanding professionals have also wrote that ongoing issues are recognized and accepted as part of the relationship (Larsen, 2017), and the key to lessened conflict being accommodation and allowing for space to help one’s partner feel mattered and understood (Gottman, 1999) in order to foster the “betterment of the relationship” as Lancer (2020) has also suggested.
Couples’ interactions will continue to have positives and negatives. This writing has been focused on the perspective that perpetual relationship conflicts can be communicated and discussed effectively rather than leaving them not. It can then be argued that stronger relationship dynamics can be established through continued communication of one’s stressors (Heitler, 2013; Provis, 2015). By that extension, trust can also be strengthened within the relationship through open communication (Tsang, 2020).
A relationship is not without its conflicts. While these conflicts may lead one to believe there is turmoil in the relationship, it does not necessarily mean hope is lost. A friendly reminder to the reader that conflicts can be productive for the relationship as they help open pathways for communicating respective needs and thoughts between partners (Hall, 2017; Lancer, 2020). Feel free to reach out to us if you believe you are ready to further resolve your relationship conflicts. Our new client line is 773.528.1777. We can also be reached through our online contact form.
References
Fulwiler, M. (2012). Managing conflict: Solvable vs. perpetual problems. The Gottman Institute. https://www.gottman.com/blog/managing-conflict-solvable-vs-perpetual-problems/
Gottman, J. (1999). The seven principles for making marriage work. Harmony Books.
Grover, S. (2017). How avoiding conflict escalates conflict in relationships. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/when-kids-call-the-shots/201709/how-avoiding-conflict-escalates-conflict-in-relationships
Hall, E. D. (2017). Why conflict is healthy for relationships. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/conscious-communication/201703/why-conflict-is-healthy-relationships
Heitler, S. (2013). Beware of mistaken marriage advice that “all couples fight”. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/resolution-not-conflict/201306/beware-mistaken-marriage-advice-all-couples-fight
Heitler, S. (2013). Marriage arguments: Can all conflicts be resolved? Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/resolution-not-conflict/201307/marriage-arguments-can-all-conflicts-be-resolved
Lancer, D. (2020). How to handle conflict effectively: Do’s and don’t’s of managing conflict in intimate relationships. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/toxic-relationships/202002/how-handle-conflict-effectively
Larsen, C. (2017). How to keep gridlock from stopping your relationship cold. Good Therapy. https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/how-to-keep-gridlock-from-stopping-your-relationship-cold-0227174
Pascale, R. P. & Primavera, L. (2016). Conflict in relationships. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/so-happy-together/201602/conflict-in-relationships
Provis, C. (2015). 5 super ways to better communication in your relationship! Couples Counseling Chicago. https://www.couplescounselingchicago.net/5-super-ways-to-better-communication-in-your-relationship/
Seidman, G. (2017). 10 tips for resolving relationship conflicts. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/close-encounters/201704/10-tips-solving-relationship-conflicts
Tsang, A. (2020). 5 signs you have trust issues with your partner. Couples Counseling Chicago. https://www.couplescounselingchicago.net/trust-issues/
