Relationship Bucket
By: Costa Provis
We all have our own personal and subjective relationship bucket that needs to be kept full. I like to think of it as our own unique language, and it is extremely important that we learn our partner’s language if we want to have a happy and supportive relationship. As a Chicago couples therapist, it’s a theme that I often bring up with clients.
Think about it, a whole lot of communication breakdowns occur when we aren’t speaking the same language as the person we are trying to communicate with.
Unfortunately, it’s only natural that stress, disagreements, or disappointments will drain your bucket on a daily basis, so it is important to refill it regularly. The million dollar question is what fills your bucket? Take some time to consider the times in your life that you felt most satisfied, content, or happy about your relationship?
Is it intimacy that fills the bucket, or passion, or playfulness, or maybe feeling supported and taken care of? This isn’t a black and white concept, so perhaps just take some time to be mindful of your feelings within your relationship to better identify your own needs.
As you gain insight into your own bucket start to also consider your spouse or partner. Do you know what fills their bucket? When does s/he appear to be happy and loving? Keep in mind that it’s somewhat human nature to act (or treat other people) in the fashion we want to be treated. This definitely also includes how we operate in our intimate relationships.
Once we identify and then work to keep the buckets full, we soon discover the roadmap to having a happier and more fulfilling partnership. To help you with this process, here are a few ideas to consider:
Talk about your goals and expectations – whether it’s the big, life goals, or the day to day plans and expectations you have, these things serve to more or less set the disappointment bar. In other words, if our goals and expectations are met we tend to not experience very much disappointment.
However, when they are not met (or even challenged) the outcome is usually some form of disappointment. Why not reduce the odds of ending up feeling bad, by simply expressing to your partner your goals and expectations in a proactive way?!
Create some common goals and interests. As you’ll read below, maintaining a little personal independence is also recommended within a relationship, but couples who share in a common goal or a recreational activity tend to report higher relational satisfaction.
You’ve heard things like “the couple that runs together..” or “the couple that cooks together…” those activities generally help keep those relationship buckets a little bit more full because of the shared sense of achievement or overcoming a challenge together.
As stated above, another key to relationship happiness tends to be maintaining a sense of autonomy and independence within the relationship. This doesn’t have to be terribly complicated – from an occasional night out with friends, to a more routine hobby or activity – folks who maintain a feeling of freedom or independence don’t usually harbor animosity or disappointment towards their partner.
Quite often in fact, a perceived loss of freedom is the primary reason people prefer not to be in a relationship.
Talk about your intimacy needs and wants – and be willing to participate in various forms of intimacy (not just focusing on sex). Very often intimacy will be an important aspect to keeping your relationship bucket full. Don’t get me wrong, having a fun and exciting sex-life is also important, but talk about all the different forms of intimacy that you enjoy.
Perhaps it’s a night-out taking a dance or cooking class, or a night-in cuddling on the couch watching a movie, people who have their intimacy needs are met are usually much more satisfied and happy in their relationships.
By talking about these four areas, and committing to trying to help your partner fill their buckets as well, you will create a helpful, supportive, and more passionate relationship. Remember that happy, healthy, independent individuals make healthy, happy and supportive relationships.